fake [s.m] (REWRITE)

chapter twenty-two

i gazed down at the floor, wanting only one person to tell me everything will be okay, and that we'll be okay, and get through this.

but i know i've gone too far, and that one person will never want to be in the same room as me ever again.

"d-don't call off tomorrow's show," i say gently, standing up, my legs shaking, and my heart racing. "i-i'll be fine. i-i just need to sleep."

that was the biggest lie i've ever told.
-
instead of simply sleeping, i found myself sneaking out of the house, and heading outside again.

i had to talk to her. i had to apologise. i needed her embrace more than anything.

the slightly cool wind of the night air hit me first. it enveloped me in a soft shiver, and i realised that the simple t-shirt and gym shorts wasn't enough for the cooler night.

in a way it was soothing, it was like the outside felt exactly as how i felt. i felt empty, like every piece of happiness had just been drained out of me. i needed her back, i needed to see her, talk to her, hear her voice. i needed to apologise.

and i know sorry isn't enough, i know that it will never be enough, but it's still worth trying, just to see if she would let me talk to her.

it's selfish, i know, but i had to see her at least once again.

i stood outside the door of camilas house, nerves filling my system, and my eyes raw red from the tears and constant rubbing. i raised my hand up, knocking on the wood, the hollow sound echoing through my ears, making me feel more hollow inside.

i didn't know what to do.

"shawn?" camila answers, opening the door. "you can't be here."

"i-i know-" i sniffle. "i-i just need to see her, p-please," i beg, letting the tears fall down my cheeks. "i-i didn't know camila, i-"

"shh," camila whispers, wrapping her arms around my torso, letting me cry into her shoulder. "shh, shawn, please don't cry."

"i-i messed up s-so badly," i mumble, letting another cry shake through my body. "p-please let me see her."

"you really hurt her," camila says sternly to me, pulling away from the hug. "why?"

"i-i really don't know," i cry, wiping the tears from my cheeks, my hopes vanishing very quickly. "i love her," i whisper, my voice straining, and my throat aching. "i love her."

"she passed out as soon as she got back, she's in my room," camila sighs softly. "you can see her, just please don't wake her up. she's exhausted, shawn."

"t-thank you so much," i whisper again, as camila nods, squeezing my arm gently.

"i'll make some tea, okay? let's talk," i nod, slipping my shoes off, and following camila inside, myself heading up to her room, and camila going straight into the kitchen.

i freeze.

she lies there, fast asleep, the sheets pulled over her aching body. her face is puffy, her eyes sore and red, but shut closed from the world. her pink lips are parted slightly, little heavy breaths flooding out and making my heart ache.

"hey," i whisper, crouching down next to the bed, my own tears blurring my own field of vision. "i-i know i fucked up," i begin. "but anya rose, you are the most important person to me, and i am so sorry for everything i've done. i know that saying sorry isn't enough, i know that it won't ever be enough, but i can't go and not try," i take a shaky breath, raising my hand to cup her cheek, running my thumb over her smooth, rosy skin. "i'll talk to your family, i'll get everything sorted out for you, i'll do whatever it takes to make sure you're okay, even if i become worse by doing so," i steady myself yet again, before continuing. "i promise to put you in front of me, no matter what, no matter the situation we're in, you're still always going to be ahead of me, i'll look after you, i promise," i reach down, grasping her hand in mine. "t-this is why i'm letting you go. you deserve so much more than me, you deserve one of those fairytale love stories, one that will give you happiness, and nothing else. i don't bring you happiness, i can't give that to you, so i'm letting you go. i love you, anya rose. i'll always love you, but i can't go on knowing that i've hurt you as much as i have. find someone else, find your prince charming. i'll support you in everything."

"what i did was bad," i breathe out, letting the tears roll down my cheeks. "it was my anger getting the better of me, but i promise you, i won't leave without making sure everything in your life is back to normal, and you're happy again. i love you so much, anya. but i have to let you go. even though i don't want to." i raise her hand to my lips, pressing a gentle kiss over her skin, before standing up, and turning around, walking straight out of the room, and not looking back.

i walk back down to the kitchen, my heart feeling heavy, and ready to crumble into a million pieces yet again. camila looks up at me, and i shake my head, sniffling softly, and wiping away the last of my tears.

"i- um," i start, sitting down at the kitchen island. "i let her go."

"don't say that, you can win her back," camila says quickly, feeling utterly upset, even though i've hurt anya more than anyone could imagine.

"what's the use? she hates me, mila," camila hands me a cup of tea, sitting down opposite me, and leaning over to grab my hand.

"if you feel like you've done the right thing, just remember that if you change your mind, you can always try again, yeah?" i nod at her, letting more tears fall from my eyes.

"i-i'm gonna go to her parents house, first thing in the morning, and tell them the real story. i'm gonna post something on twitter and instagram again. i'm gonna make sure that the press come for me, instead of her. i'm gonna make sure that she gets her happiness back," i explain, sniffling softly. "mila can i borrow a piece of paper and a pen please?"

"yeah sure, why?"

"i'm gonna write her a letter."