fake [s.m] (REWRITE)

chapter four

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTION AND RECOGNITION OF EATING DISORDERS
[third person]
-

"camila, i'm telling you," shawn groans, sitting down on the couch in the tour bus, thinking that no one else was in the bus. "i hate my girlfriend."

"don't say that, i'm sure she's amazing," camila reassures him on the phone. "firstly, she's beautiful, and a woman of colour? shawn you're doing well."

"but that doesn't mean i'm happy," he points out. "she's a bitch."

they were parked outside the arena in copenhagen, and shawn had found a free moment after the show to come back into the bus and call up camila.

"shawn," camila warns. "don't you dare call a girl a bitch."

"but she is! she thinks i don't work for what i have, and she hasn't even tried to get to know me," shawn sighs. "i mean i want to get to know her, but she just frustrates me so much."

"you're the one sounding like a bitch," camila scoffs. "you're probably overreacting. i wanna meet this girl."

"well you probably will, at some stage," he mutters, running a hand through his curls. "i'm sure she's gonna have to come to an awards show with me-" the door to the bus opens, making shawn snap his head up. "mila, i gotta go."

"alright, see you soon, and don't be hard on her," she tells him. "because if you are, i swear to god shawn-"

"bye camila," shawn hangs up the phone, sliding it back into his pocket, seeing anya stepping into the bus, laughing, with brian following her.

"dude, you have to post that," anya laughs, walking straight into the kitchen and getting a bottle of water out of the fridge. "that is the funniest video you've taken of the band yet."

"alright i will," brian chuckles, following anya into the kitchenette area. "hey, you wanna go grab some food from somewhere?"

shawn can't help but listen in, feeling slightly angered that brian is asking his girlfriend to dinner. shawn scrunches his face up in confusion, standing up and catching attention of brian and anya. anya looks up, a slight feeling of fear washing over her, as she quickly folds her arms and looks away.

"no, she can come with me for dinner, after all, she is my girlfriend right?" shawn shoots out, a mischievous glint in his eye.

"not out of choice," anya mumbles, keeping her gaze away from shawn. "come on, brian, i saw a pizza slice place nearby," she says, walking past the two testosterone filled boys.

"dude, leave my girlfriend alone," shawn snaps, grabbing anya by the arm, and dragging her slightly in his direction.

"i'm not your fucking girlfriend," anya says, raising her voice, and pulling her arm away from shawn, rubbing where his grip was tight. "brian. let's go."

the two of them walk out of the bus, leaving shawn alone again. he sighs loudly, sitting back down on the couch, and looking out of the window, seeing anya and brian laughing, her shoving him slightly, before laughing again.

then, he sees her join her hand with his. brian and anya both walk away, leaving shawns gaze completely.

"didn't you want to go grab food with them?" andrew asks, stepping into the bus, seeing shawn sitting alone. "is everything alright, bud?"

"not really," he mumbles, looking down at the floor, stretching his legs out.

"do you wanna talk about it?" andrew offers, taking a seat opposite shawn. "no one will be coming up for a while now, don't worry."

"it's just so hard," shawn admits. "i don't like having a fake girlfriend. i want a real one. one who i can take all around the world, and enjoy travelling with her. one who i can fall in love with, and learn every little thing about her. one who i can spoil and buy gifts for simply being her, one who i can take out to get a freaking pizza slice-"

"it's about anya and brian, isn't it?" andrew realises, whilst shawn stays silent. "just because they kissed once-"

"they kissed?" shawn asks, confused and shocked. "oh."

"shawn, come on," andrew sighs. "look at the way you treat her." shawn sighs gently, tears burning his eyes, but not wanting to fall.

"i don't want to treat her like that," he admits. "it just comes out."

"why?" andrew pesters, trying to get some answers out of shawn. "why can't you just treat her like every single other girl you know?"

"i don't know," he mumbles, really not knowing how to answer that question. "i really don't know."
-
a little later that night, brian and anya had both arrived back to the bus, seeing everyone getting ready to go to sleep, and the bus ready to depart. shawn was already lying down in his bunk, in deep thought about the conversation he had with andrew, and even what he found out about brian and anya kissing.

anya however, took shawns words to heart. she tried hard to not fall back into old habits, but the moment she was sure everyone was back in their bunks, she snuck out of hers and escaped to the bathroom.

she was bulimic in her younger teens. she never really fit in to the crowd at school, and she thought by changing her body, and removing the food from her, she would be able to go out with her friends for food, and still stay in shape, losing weight as she did so. it was unhealthy, and took months of therapy to stop, but it helped her feel settled. it was something she needed to do, but she hated herself for it.

so she found herself crouched down at the toilet bowl, replaying the scenes that 14 year old her did.

she hated herself for it.

shawn heard the retching sounds from his bunk, and quickly sat up, furrowing his eyebrow in confusion. he looked out of the curtain of his bunk, seeing anya's curtain open, so it must've been her. anya opens the door to the bathroom, wiping her hands on her shorts, and looking up, only to be faced by shawn.

"are you okay?" shawn asks, slightly curious to why she would be up when everyone else was asleep.

"yeah," she mumbles, looking away from him, and walking back to her bunk, climbing back in and settling down.

her actions continued to never be noticed by anyone.

but shawn stayed curious.