fake [s.m] (REWRITE)

chapter twenty-two

[shawn mendes]
(look at me actually using first person again big gasp)
-

somehow, i managed to find my way back to the parked bus at around midnight. i later realised no one was actually in the bus, everyone had either gone off to the house, or were like me, walking around aimlessly because they felt lost.

so i began the walk up the hill to the house. for security reasons, the bus was parked slightly further away from the house we always stayed at in la, which was fair.

i felt numb, i didn't know who i was anymore. i snapped at anya for no complete reason.

and it was no complete reason. andrew was right, anya was right. i was wrong. i was so terribly wrong. i completely ruined anya, for what? satisfaction? because i was definitely not satisfied. i  am more than just simply heartbroken. i am lost. i'm stuck in a trance that never wants to end, i'm stuck, muddled in with my own sins.

i let a sigh tumble from my lips, before unlocking the front door to the house, my mind hazy not from the drinks, but from what i found out.

"big boys here!" brian yells to the rest of the friends who were drinking, laughing, happy. "yo, shawn, lets do shots!"

"shawn?" andrew notices, standing up from the couch, seeing me in the state i'm in. "woah, buddy," he says quickly, just as i falls onto my knees, completely empty and confused. "shawn, man, what happened?"

brian turns down the music, but that still doesn't stop my head from spinning. my chest feels tight, and i can't think straight. my hands shake wildly, as i try to form words, but it comes out as more of a wail for help.

"someone get him some water, i think he's in shock," andrew says quickly, making mike stand up and run to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water.

"shawn, what's going on?" brian asks me, but i completely blank him out.

"a-anya," i mumble, stuttering out my words, her smell, her taste, her eyes running around me, surrounding me, suffocating me.

she was the only person, the only thing on my mind.

and she was with someone else, not romantically, but she wasn't here with me.

my cheek stung, my heart stung, my head stung. my entire body felt like it was on fire, and the water didn't even help.

"he's not gonna be okay to perform tomorrow," i hear andrew mutter to geoff, who nods and stares at me in shock. "he needs a break. i think we should call off the next week of tour."

"shawn, mate, what happened?" brian asks me again, crouching down next to me, his face full of concern.

"s-she-" i choke out, the tears finding their way out of my eyes. "s-she doesn't have anyone else," i mumble, swallowing the lump in my throat. "s-she was forced by island to end things, and to leave," i slouch my shoulders, completely giving up. "s-she protected me."

"oh my god," brian says, standing up quickly, and going to andrew. "gerty, he found out."

"about what?"

"about anya," brian answers, making andrews face fall. i look up, seeing andrew looking back at me with nothing but sympathy.