COFFEE & CREAM

C14. Focus Less

Beam POV

Me and Kit are now sitted at one of the empty classrooms, cramming our asses off to finish our written report. I wanted to back down but I told Phana, were gonna do it.

This could have been easier to be done with my 100% attention.
However, my mind is not functioning like it used to. I'm so preoccupied my brain just keeps on buffering.

Focus!

Kit suddenly jumped when I started to pound my own head. I just looked at him apologetically and tried again to concentrate on our group work.

But no matter what I do, I keep on returning deep in my thoughts.

What is happening to me? It this an after effects of what had happened yesterday? Are things with Forth and I finally sinking?

Truthfully, I am scared of being hurt. I have experienced a lot of things that made me doubtful and wortless. But those experiences also pushed me to find a reason to make this life worth living.

However, I always thought I need to be worthy of something. I need to build security and just be comfortable.

But through the years, I have been cautious. I built a routine and having the same activities every day help me achieve feel those things that I needed.

It's quite boring now that I have trully thought about it. I wake up, go to school, work, study and sleep. Every day it's the same. But at least my heart is safe. My feelings are intact. I am not broken.

Yesterday though is truly unexpected. I broke that routine and it shocked the heck out of me. But at the same time, it gave me a new perspective. I realized that life is not about sticking to the things you are used to but its about taking risks and living your life without regrets.

So, in order to be happy now. I'll take may chances. Who knows I may be still this blissful till my death bed. I may start to feel scared, insecure and many more but that's the beauty of taking a risk. Anything could happen.

If Kit can just hear what my inner thoughts are, he would freak out. But for unknown reasons, I am in love to someone I have only known for only a day or two. I smiled just thinking about it. How can I live without him?

Forth gave me the feeling of security, worthiness and comfort of having someone a friend like Kit could not give.

This is the feeling I used to only dream but now its slowly becoming my reality. I unbelievably have a man that could make me feel complete.

I always felt unhappy before for not having that special someone. Its very evident emotions that I have keep hidden but it can be seen on my dreams every night.

I always imagined a faceless person confessing his undying devotion to me.

It's plain stupid but I've been longing it for a very long time. It's just that I thought I don't deserve it, I lied to myself so that if given I could not have found someone, I won't be disappointed.

Although, having to end that dream every morning made me hate myself for waking up. It's the same as wishing death, I guess.

But this morning its different, for the first time in my life, I was eager to start the day.

Because the man I used to dream, the moment I opened my eyes this morning, is actually there.

Beside me...Sleeping soundly...his arms are wrapped around me.

"I know your worried. I would too if I were about to get my ass burn by someone like Forth, but Phana's going to smacked it first if we don't finish our report this afternoon." Kit said with his head resting on both his hands. He was probably looking at me for quite sometime already.