Thoughts I Have

Death

I went into a cadaver lab yesterday for the first time. 

Before yesterday, I can think of two instances when I've seen a dead body, and maybe one or two other times when I've been in the presence of a dead body (closed-casket funerals). All those times, the death had a context. It was ok to cry, and ok to not feel much. I could mourn the separation I was experiencing. In funerals, death is personal. It's something you experience in the context of your relationships, as well. 

In a cadaver lab, it's not personal. Seeing the trunk of a female cadaver, with the skin sliced in flaps, the rib cage sawed apart, the heart chambers cut open, the kidneys split in half, the skeletal muscle lying in sheets resembling beef or pulled-pork-- it is very scientific. What struck me the most were the lungs. This woman's lungs were lifeless, devoid of breath, worth nothing to her. My lungs, full of life now, will lie lifeless someday. Seeing her stomach felt the same; I tried to imagine the dead object in my professor's hands as something which had once been full of food. Food the woman had tasted. And her heart had once been full of blood, beating to bring life to every end of her body.

No, there's nothing personal about witnessing death in a cadaver lab. For me, death became something concrete yesterday. There is nothing abstract about death, when you are looking at a cadaver. 

I tried to imagine my body, lifeless. My body and who I am are not separate, and it's impossible to imagine them being separate. Will my body still be "me?" Will I feel and think the same way I can feel and think now? What will I experience, and how will I be able to experience it? 

I was thinking, I don't want to be buried in the ground. I'd feel suffocated! 

Despite my inability to breathe. Or would I simply not need to breathe? 

All these questions deal with the resurrection, really. When I think of people "going to Heaven," I think of them being alive. In terms of what I believe, I believe I can ask the saints to pray for me because they are alive in Christ (I'm not going to ask dead people to pray for me). What does it mean, then, to be alive in Christ? Are we all alive in Christ, then, after we die? Where does the life come from? Obviously from Christ, but if my body is part of me, and my body is dead, how can I be alive? What does it mean to be alive? 

To wrap my mind around mortality, I need to understand what it means to be alive. 

Mortality is such a strange thing. I have a natural sense of continuity. I can't imagine disappearing or failing to exist. I have always existed, in my experience; I can't experience not-existence, and... oh, that's just weird to think about!! I don't believe death means I cease to exist. I think it means separation, from God, from everyone around us, from our bodies... otherwise the resurrection makes no sense. If I cease to exist when I die, there's not much to be resurrected. 

Also, I can't find Christ's life unless I die. What does death do to me, that it allows me to find Christ's life? 

Then I have the question of sin and salvation. 

I fear dying with unresolved conflicts and sins I haven't repented of. I shared this fear with a friend of mine, who responded, "Well, I guess that's one reason it is important to take care of sins and relationships, and not wait for them to take care of themselves." 

I thought for a while about what she said, and then I texted an old friend. I had wronged her in two ways (it's possible I've done more than just those things to hurt her, but I can only address what I am aware of), and I'd been afraid to approach her again. I told myself, screw that, and just apologize. I did. Before I sent that text, I was worried she might feel very resentful towards me upon reading it. She didn't; she said it was not a problem and she wasn't angry. She's a marvelous person. Both of these friends are marvelous people. If it weren't for the first friend, I may never have found the courage to talk with the second friend. 

Anyways, my conversations with each of these friends helped me understand something important. It's a lot better to just deal with sins and relationships than it is to worry about whether I might die before I gather the courage to deal with them. :)

Salvation feels so elusive, and yet so present. When my friend forgave me, it felt like salvation. Little moments like that one fill my life, and yet I am so broken. I want Christ to save me. And what a struggle it is even to desire that salvation, every morning, every evening. 

Life is really complex. You probably needed to read this to learn that, too :D

As a side note, I decided to unpublish my little thing on 'if I were a parent.' I did that because I do not actually think that's how I want to parent. I think I wrote that because I'm struggling, and I wish sometimes I had someone to push me harder. Ironically, my family does this inadvertently every day; when my siblings annoy me they push me to be kind when it's challenging, and when my mom points out how I've been disrespectful or unkind she is pushing me to be open to that feedback and change my behavior. ...maybe I just need to cry to God for mercy when I fall, knowing He loves me and has already shown me infinite mercy, mercy which saves me.

 Well, those are my thoughts for today.