Thoughts I Have

Tackling Elephants in the Room

Sometimes I wish I didn't care so much.
Maybe it would be easier, not to care. Maybe it would be easier if I didn't believe in anything, if I let truth slide through my fingers in favor of what feels most comfortable to me.
Honestly, there are times when I'm tempted not to care. I'm never tempted to stop being Christian, but in small ways, I'm tempted to walk away from God and just not care.
The problem with actively pursuing truth is you begin to see more of it.
There is so much I don't know, but I know enough.
If the thought occurs to me to shovel my neighbor's sidewalk, I know it would be a sin not to: those thoughts only occur to me when the only other thing I'd be doing would be reading and sneaking frozen peaches from the freezer. Or popsicles, sometimes.
Those are the times I wish I didn't care. It would be so easy to just shovel my own sidewalk, and pretend I didn't know if I didn't do it their walk would never get shoveled...
But I can't let myself do that. Every time I do that, it's an active choice to turn away from God, because there's no other way, for someone who knows God exists and cares, and who keeps this in mind most of the time, to let the little things slide.
Still, somehow, I keep slipping into the same sins I've struggled with for months.
Only changes in my surroundings change my behavior, and then I foolishly praise myself for "spiritual growth."
Goodness, I'm a mess.

Often, I ignore sins for other reasons. I might decide it's not really the sin I know it is, if I just control it or minimize it. I might justify it to myself.
But there come times when I have a choice to make: deal with the elephants in the room, or live saying I'm someone I'm not.
Well, I do that already. Every time I sin, every time I fail, which is most of the time, I live as someone I claim I'm not.
Addressing the elephants is a healing process. When we deal with them, we learn more about ourselves, and about God, and we start the process of rejecting our sin.
Today, I recognized something in myself that disgusted me. I was totally unsure what to do with it.

For my own future reference, and that of anyone else who might be interested, here is how I chose to address that elephant/what I think I could have done better:
1. Stop doing anything that provokes you to act or think in a sinful way.
2. Distance yourself from the situation by doing something healthy.
3. Read the Bible, specifically Psalms of repentance, before you pray.
4. Start praying about it. (I like to start by saying, "God, you know my heart," and remembering that God knows my heart even better than I do, and that He still loves me. Then I try to state, without justifying it, exactly what I'm struggling with, in the simplest terms possible. Then, I try to process my thoughts or actions while I remember that I'm in God's presence, by identifying the root problems. Many of my root problems look something like this: I need _____ and I'm forgetting that only God can give it to me. Then I try to ground my faith on God's offering me everything I need.)
5. Pray for strength. (I ask God to strengthen my faith in Him, and in His love. I ask Him to strengthen me when I next face temptation. I ask the saints to pray for me: "Through the prayers of our holy Fathers, Lord Jesus Christ our God, have mercy on me and save me." I can ask the Theotokos to pray for me.)
6. Find a concrete way to battle the temptation and sin (like avoiding unhealthy situations that spark it, or memorizing a Psalm or prayer to say when you're struggling. The Jesus Prayer is a great, and short, prayer to say in such situations.)
7. Keep struggling.

If there is one thing I have learned, it is that no one on this earth is free from struggle. Life is a struggle. Everyone sins and falls short of God's glory. But He has mercy on us, and gives us the grace to keep trying.
If we struggle faithfully, we will bear fruit.
When I get stuck and I want to give up, I often only have two options: I can give up or I can keep struggling, even if I seem to be getting nowhere.
I must remember I am not struggling on my own, though.
I am surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, in the words of Hebrews. So I must lay aside every encumbrance, and the sin which so easily entangles me, and I must run with endurance the race that is set before me, fixing my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising its shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 11 or 12 verse something, quoted with a few changes in pronouns from we to I.)
And I must never forget I can't fight sin: only God can defeat sin.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner! (The Jesus Prayer)