Thoughts I Have

Planning My Life Away

I love to dream. I dream all the time about what my life will be like when I have control and choices (perhaps you can already see where this is going...).

Recently, I've begun to dream of providing a home for kids in foster care. When I turn 21, I can become certified as a foster parent. I've always wanted kids, and lots of them, when I grow up. I also want to serve people. I've thought about foster care before, and I dream of adopting the kids on state photo listing when I'm older.
I want to find fulfillment through foster care, and a lot of other things.
So I have been reading all about foster parenting.

I came across one blog recently that's changing my whole view of foster care, and of my future. My step sister, who knows I like to dream, shared some wisdom with me recently that prepared me to take to heart the story  shared in the blog.
She has reminded me that I can't plan the rest of my life. My plans will probably fall apart, and if I spend too much time dreaming, I won't be spending enough time living right now. I know she is right, but reading the blog helped me realize the kind of pain I'm setting myself up for.

Foster parenting isn't my only dream. I am so eager to become an adult, and I'm prone to jump at any opportunity that comes my way. In part, I want to do something meaningful with my life. In part, I think I'll be happier if I can have a "normal life" for once. 
I'm groping for things becoming a foster parent won't give me. For things my dreams can't fulfill.

With all my plans and dreams, I'm missing the 'right now.' And I will miss my future, too.

The blog tells the story of a woman who seems a lot like me: her parents are divorced, and she dreamed of a house full of children.
At the age of 19, she married her boyfriend. They went to church together, lived together, and after they were old enough, they were liscenced as a foster home.
I read about her second placement, her feelings and complaints about fostering then, and about life. I read her posts as they went home, as she grieved the children as if they'd died. I learned of the incredible emotional strain foster parenting is, how children you have given yourself to for months or years are taken away from you. I read about her third placement, Baby 4, whose case was so complicated he was in care for almost three years before it was finally determined that TPR was going to happen (termination of parental rights) and they adopted him. Meanwhile, they'd adopted a medically fragile infant through an agency, only after which they learned of the unethical treatment of the child's birth parent. They had accepted two normal placements, who later returned home, and then a placement of newborn twins. Days after bringing them home, she watched one of them die (from an unidentified gastrointestinal problem). The other was removed from her house by CPS later that day per the birth mother's request.
I read of Baby 9, their next placement, whose case was long and complicated, and it appeared she'd be adopted for a while, too.
Now, imagine foster parents who have a newly adopted infant with serious medical needs, a newly adopted school aged child, and Baby 9. They're not even 30 yet, in this scene.
They get a placement call for three siblings, and they say 'yes.' After a few months, adoption looks likely for them, as well.
Until the youngest in the sibling set comes back from a bio-visit with serious bruising, and they get blamed.
They're accused of neglect and abuse, and despite the lack of evidence, all three children are removed from their house, their foster home is closed, her husband's trial declares him guilty to a preposterous charge, and the adoption of baby 9 is put on hold.
In the end, they manage to adopt Baby 9, but aren't ever able to foster again. And neither one was prepared for maintaining a healthy marriage through that. They ended up divorcing, and suffering immensely.
I read as the woman who authored the blog told how her friends had turned on her, CPS had attacked her, and she'd lost three more children. I read as she wondered what she'd do for the rest of her life.
She seemed burned out. Like she'd tried to live her life all at once, and she'd found herself unprepared for the unplanned suffering that came her way.

Obviously, this (having unplanned suffering mess up your life) happens all the time in life. I've experienced it before. But this real example of someone a lot like me, with the same dreams and hopes, really made me consider a couple things.

First: I can plan all I want, and I still won't have control over suffering. (Before you say 'duh,' know that this is something I've known for a while, but not something I've considered while looking at my future before. There's a difference between smiling and saying, "yeah, I know," and actually understanding it.)

Second: If I try to run headfirst into my dreams, using them to find happiness and fulfillment, I'm going to burn out, too. But if I pray, listen to the wisdom of those in my life, remember I can only place my hope in Christ, and proceed with patience, trusting God, then hopefully I will succeed in my ultimate goal of doing God's will and I won't be hurt by my own ambition.

Third: Most lessons in life need to be learned over and over again as your circumstances change and your struggles present themselves in new ways. But that's ok! It means you're growing, and it's much nicer to grow through the wise words of people who love us and the life experiences of people who are wiser than we are than through personal experience, over and over and over again.

So for now, I'm going to control my dreaming, and try to focus on all the fulfilling opportunities in front of me, like being kind to my siblings, learning to follow God more, and even to walk through the suffering that's a part of my life, because I know Christ has overcome the world.

Hooray!

If you're curious about the blog, or want to learn about what foster parenting is really like, struggles, joys, and all, Google
Foster Care: Our Love Story