Pain

62

Louis went grocery shopping for me, gave me enough time to give into my craving, that started about a week after Louis left.

I grabbed a cigarette from the kitchen drawer, one in the far corner where it's unlikely anyone would find it. I grabbed a lighter from the opposite side of the small space, putting the cigarette in between my lips and covering the flame from the lighter, lighting the end of the cig.

I breathed in, letting the smoke hit the back of my throat, and travel up into my nose before exhaling it, and fluttering my eyes shut. My heart slowed down after a few more swigs, my nerves calming down a little bit afterwards.

I was scrolling through my twitter feed on my one direction twitter account dedicated to being a fan. My identity was a secret on this account with over 5K followers, and I liked that. No hate from fans, and no fake bitches trying to become my friends just because I'm dating Louis.

Not even louis knew I had this account, that's how sacred it was to me. (Also because I had edits of me and the boys, some vulgar, very... Very vulgar edits, from a while back before I met them, but eh)

Zarryokaybye: really missing him right now ..

I sent it, receiving a few favourites from some followers shortly afterwards. With a sigh, I closed the twitter app and opened the tumblr app, scrolling through gifs, pictures, and quotes about depression, cutting, suicide etc.

"I feel engulfed in the darkness, and I kind of like it." I read on a post from suicidalTeens. I re blogged, scrolling down on my dashboard some more until I came across a gif of a girl holding a cigarette between her index finger, and her middle one. She looked so relaxed as she blew out the puff of smoke, so laid back and free of any given fucks in the world.

The caption was, "your parents tell you about the dangers of smoking, but never about how good it makes you feel." Thinking about that for a minute, I sighed knowing how bad it is that I want to try it.

"One packet please." I sighed to the store clerk, who looked about my age, maybe two years younger. He gave me a questioning look.

"For a family member? Friend?" He asked, bewildered that I'd even come in here and ask for such a thing. I shook my head, and he sighed. I payed him the money for the cig and the lighter, and went on my way back home.

That's how it started. That's where my life officially took the worst turning point ever. Although, in a way it works. I realize that what I'm doing is going to end up eventually killing me. Do I care? No. This is what I've been wanting for the longest time, isn't it? To blow away like the wind. To finally be free of my misery.

Maybe that's why people start smoking in the first place; to hide away from reality. To get away from themselves.

I understand the side effects of me dying, though. I understand people will miss me; will want me back.

My parents, Louis. Even harry, Liam, zayn, and Niall will end up missing me.. (I hope at least) oh and let's not forget- oh wait. I have no one else.

And let's eliminate my parents out of this delightful conversation. They've shown no respect towards me. No indication that they even appreciate my existence. My mom with this whole bully thing, who is now living with my grandma because she's too ashamed to even be near me. And my father, well let's just say he's too into his relationship with his realtor Jessica to even remember my name, let alone call me to check up on me.

So that just leaves one direction.

Wow. That sounded spoiled. Any one direction fan would be tackling me on the spot if they knew I just said just one direction. I'm lucky they even know me.