HLHA

My shattered heart </3

This is not a chapter of the story. But before anything else. I'd like to thank everyone who read the story that it already reached 10k reads. :)

And if everyone would be kind enough to also spare time to read my other fanfic about Sehun. I'd really appreciate it :))

http://www.wattpad.com/55859920-fall-for-you-exo-oh-sehun-ft-bts-kim-taehyung

This is just something I just wish to share. 

            I was living normally like any normal teenager was under the roof of the university and my house. I was contented with the people around me. I was happy. The path I was walking through is clear, my dreams, my life, everything is clear to me. But the memory of how and when it all changed, it’s the one thing I’ll never forget the most.

            Wattpad, is where it all started. I love reading stories. I do it when I have nothing to do. I share the best stories I read to my classmates so they too can feel the awe and admiration I felt for the story because I too, dreamt that one day I’d be able to make masterpieces like them.

           That night as I was scanning my facebook, I crossed over a story a friend of mine shared.  It was catching and I got interested until she told me it was a fan fiction. I had no interest of fan fictions that time especially when I have no idea who the author is fan-girling about in the story.  I added it to my reading list but it was kept unopened for a long time until I had nothing left to read.

            It was about a Korean-pop group. I watch Korean dramas and that’s about it, but the story narrates about this Kpop group I completely had not idea about. Ignoring the difficulty of pronouncing their names, I continued reading the story until I was slowly appreciating its plot and unexpectedly, slowly learning how to admire its main character. The story is "Except You" written by one of my admired writers @gamefishie (go read it after this if you haven't yet). On and on as I read, the feeling inside me grows. Yes, I always fall for the main characters of fictions but this one is real, he has a body, a soul that I have like 0.01% of meeting. I told Xhe my friend who suggested the story, that I’m liking the story’s main character and what she said was so funny that I’ll never forget “sure ka? Suna etoy nih, suna etoy (Are you sure? this is him, this is him)” she said as she showed me pictures from her phone. I didn’t really understand whom she was comparing it to, because that time everyone in that group looked exactly the same! It wasn’t easy, how to identify one from the other especially that there were 12 of them.

            I started to get curious of them which was the reason I initiated on profile checking them (and you may start to wonder how I had the time to do that despite being a graduating nursing student). It wasn't hard finding stuff about them, they're quite famous. Yes it's EXO. I started watching their music videos, downloading their songs, identifying one by one a feature that differentiates one from the other. It took me a few days to name them one by one on pictures, naming them while they were dancing was a different story on a different level. And then I found myself caught up in him, the member I liked back at the story, my bias, the boy who’s behind everything that’s happening to me right now--BYUN BAEKHYUN.

            It was crazy how I was doing everything I don’t normally do because of him and how everyone would call me obsessed (which I don’t plan on denying). The thing is that I didn’t want to stop. I loved how his neck veins show when he’s singing a high note, how he hates cucumber because of its smell, how he imitates the other members just to make them laugh, how he can be such a turn off and turn on at the same time, how he stood up for Kris ‘till the last minute. I loved every bit of his humanity. I loved what I was doing although it’s weird. Thousand of pictures on my phone, memorizing their songs, learning their dance, buying their items, even writing my own fan fiction and I didn’t get what the point of it was.

            I learned to love every member of EXO, who they are when performing and who they are off stage. I love Suho's leadership and ability to dance to girl-group songs. I love how Kai can eat chicken in three consecutive meals. I love how evil Sehun is to his hyungs, and calling them ugly randomly. I love how Chanyeol cooks for the members, and makes them laugh, not to forget how he acknowledges himself the brightest of all. I love how cute DO is when he's cooking, failure aside. I love how everything is not Kris' style and making them his style later. I love Xiumin's silence and ability to not say a single word in an almost 1 hour show. I love how Tao is obsessed with Namsan Tower, and the capacity of his stomach to hold food. I love how Luhan can look like a handsome man and a beautiful woman at the same time. I love how Chen has time to give warm packs to ghost who're supposed to scare him. I love Lay's lethargy and ability to create a song that gave me goosebumps all over.   They’re beautiful in everything they do. And for so long my life has been contaminated with this disease of obsessing over their manliness, stupidity, talents and personalities and funny thing is that I didn’t want to get cured. I could die with this without regretting anything.

            Suddenly, just when everything was starting to become fun as 2 other friends joined the cult (Jona @OhMissWU and Sharlene @HerUnknownExistence) , a bomb was thrown amidst the unnamed EXO fandom—Kris was leaving. It was all over the internet for days. EXOstans especially those who were Kris-biased were pained, our faith was shaken. I wasn’t sure of how long I had not moved on from the fact that EXO lost one of its member but we had to stay strong for the members left and believe in Kris.

        Kris’ issue hasn’t been that long yet and now another thing came up--Baekhyun dating Taeyeon. After reading everything before this I’m pretty sure you know what my reaction was the time I read the headline with those large bold letters. I didn’t shout, I didn’t cry...yet. That time I was all blank, I felt nothing maybe because I was trying to block the thought until it slowly synced into me and that’s when the Niagara Falls transported into our house. I know it wasn’t only me. I know millions of hearts were shattered.

Before any of these happened, I came to the point of questioning what I was doing. The cult knows well of this. I told myself that one day, Baekhyun is going to have someone in his life and when that day comes, what would happen to me.

Now it has come and I don’t know what’s next for me. I know I have no right to get mad and throw tantrums which is first of all pointless, I’m just a fan, there’s nothing much I can do except to drown in this agony of seeing my bias date the girl he’s had a crush on for a long time. I can’t go telling him to stop because who am I that he’ll listen to? I can’t say anything against both of them dating because I’m not in the right position to because I am just a fan and I know I’m not the only one who feels this way right now. And because I’m a fan that what I’m ought to do is to support them and just let them be happy with their decisions. Right now, what’s keeping me strong is the thought that Baekhyun is happy and that’s the most important thing of all. As a fangirl, I’ll support him in whatever that makes him happy. Baekhyun is my dream and Taeyeon is his. The realization of his dream is the end of mine.

Truth be told, I don’t know how I’ll get over this. I have never really liked anyone like this in my whole life and ironically to a person close to impossible to meet. No, the problem is not how to get over this, the problem is that I’ll never get over this. For all my life I’ll remember the heartbreak of completely losing the 0.00001% chance of being with him. There’s pain, there would always be pain but I have to endure it, for the happiness of my bias. These words, my words are from my heart, a fangirl’s shattered heart.