Scars Of The Past || Jerrie

Thirty-Four

Let's make that triple.. 😉 Happy New Year everyone! 🎉 - R xx

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Perrie

I accidentally found the video online. At first I almost didn't watch it, afraid I'd stumbled upon the record of Sergeant Sam's murder. But the screen grab showed a grainy picture of Jade looking frightened and wearing a headscarf in front of a colorful tapestry, so I took a chance and clicked Play.

This was my first time watching Jade's hostage video, but I remembered hearing about the message the insurgents forced her to read. An anti-American, pro-Jihadist statement that some in the media had criticized her for reciting, even though a disembodied hand held a knife to her throat throughout the minute-long clip. Her voice was flat and unaffected, clearly disassociated from her words.

I shivered when the video ended. I had followed the news coverage during the hostage crisis, but since meeting her had only read dry facts on Wikipedia to refresh my memory. Seeing stills from this video years ago had been chilling, but now that I had held her in my arms, the images were horrifying. The fear in Jade's eyes, the sharp blade against her neck seared into my brain, and I had to push my chair back from my computer and stand up to get away.

Shakily, I sat cross-legged on the floor next to Hatchi's pillow. He opened his eyes and lifted his head, always ready to wake from a nap for some excitement. I wrapped my arms around him, needing the comfort. He sighed and laid his head back down.

"She went through so much," I whispered. It helped to talk through my conflicted thoughts aloud, and Hatchi was the perfect audience. No judgment, the consummate listener. "I can't imagine how I would have handled being in that situation. Let alone everything else that happened to her over there."

It was easy to know something without dwelling on what it really meant. Of course I was aware of the horror she had endured, but watching that video brought everything into focus in a way that left me shaken and slightly ashamed. It was a wonder Jade wasn't institutionalized. That her biggest issues centered around the ability to do things like go to the grocery store or walk on the beach was a miracle.

And I had given her a hard time because she wasn't ready to be out as a lesbian.

It was more complicated than that, but since dinner with Leigh-Anne, I had been beating myself up over my rush to put the brakes on my relationship with Jade. My concerns were valid, but Leigh-Anne raised a good point. Maybe I had been too quick to step back when things started getting serious. Surely I could have addressed my worries with Jade in a more sensitive way.

It was scary to imagine losing another lover, but was even worse to think that I might have sabotaged a chance for true happiness. Perhaps if I had offered to stand by Jade while she dealt with her fears, or at the very least tried to talk through them with her instead of asking her to work them out on her own, things would be different now. I knew she wanted to get better. Leaving probably hadn't been the only or even the best option.

I glanced at the phone. How many unanswered calls had I made over the past few weeks? I had no way of knowing if she was listening to my messages, though I hoped I wasn't leaving them in vain. Knowing it was probably futile, I tried again. I owed Jade an apology, even if I couldn't do it in person.

I wasn't surprised when my call rang through to voice mail. I listened to the generic outgoing message, wishing that she had recorded something personal. I longed to hear her voice, and even a canned greeting would be nice.

When the voice mail beeped, I closed my eyes. "Hey, Jade. Me again. I promise I'm not stalking you. I just need you to hear me out. I've been thinking a lot and—" Here went nothing. "I screwed up. We had issues we needed to work out, absolutely, but I was a coward to ask you to deal with them alone. It was unfair. And so I'm sorry. I know what it took for you to trust me in the first place, so maybe asking for another chance is really pushing my luck, but here I am, asking. I want to do right by you so badly. I promise never to leave you alone with your demons again, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

I paused. Surely she remembered that Hatchi's agility trial was tomorrow, and the last thing I wanted to do was pressure her by mentioning it. Though she had clearly wanted to go at one point, things were different now. And it wasn't worth making her feel as though anything hinged on her attendance. Still, I wanted to be sure that she knew where I would be, if she did try to call.

"I'm taking Hatchi to the agility trial in Santa Rosa tomorrow, so if you call and I don't answer, that's why. I love you, Jade. Please call me."

I disconnected and slipped the phone into the pocket of my pajama pants. Improbable as a return call might be, I didn't want to risk missing it. All I could do was hope that Jade really listened to what I had to say. The rest, unfortunately, was out of my hands.