Scars Of The Past || Jerrie

Twenty-Two

Jade

Perrie was right; the restaurant was small and intimate, and our table was private enough that I was able to sit in the corner of the patio, out of sight of all but one other couple. That couple was a young man and a slightly older woman whose hands stayed clasped together even when the waiter took their order. Their gaze never strayed from each other, so the last thing they cared about was some ex-soldier and a service dog. It was a perfect, thoughtful setting for my first dinner out since coming home.

Why was I still so nervous? I eyed the waiter who brought drinks to the table next to us, keeping my guard up. He hadn't done anything to make me feel unsafe, but that hardly mattered. I was deep in a state of hypervigilance, so logic didn't penetrate my pervasive sense of foreboding.

"Jade?"

Blinking, I returned my attention to Perrie. She had been talking, hadn't she? I searched my memory for some thread of what she had been saying, but came up blank. Shamed, I mustered a contrite smile.

"I'm sorry."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

I inhaled. I am the master of my fate. I could tell her what I was going through, but I didn't want to fall apart on our first date. I wanted so badly for things between us to work, and revealing the full extent of my anxiety might scare her away. I grinned with effort.

"It's just been a while since I've been in a situation like this." I picked up my glass of water and took a sip, then set it back down a little louder than I intended. This caught the attention of the man at the next table, who tore his eyes away from his date for an instant to look our direction. "This is a nice place."

"Good food, too." She gestured at the menu in front of me. "Do you know what you want yet?"

"What are you having?" In truth, I hadn't been able to focus on the menu. I barely remembered any of the choices. Glancing at the neighboring table again, I was relieved to see that the man had lost interest in my clumsy maneuvering.

"I was thinking about having the mac and cheese."

"Make that two." I forced myself to keep my eyes on Perrie. If I could just focus on the reason I was pushing myself to be here, everything would be okay. "I told my therapist about us. She seemed really happy. She thinks you've been good for me so far."

"I hope I'm always good for you." She reached under the table and touched my hand. "I promise to try my hardest to make you happy."

The waiter approached our table and I jerked my hand away from hers. Surprise registered on her face and I shot her a contrite look, kicking myself for my reaction. It wasn't like anyone could see what we were doing under there.

"Good evening, ladies. Are you ready to order?"

Sge gave him a smile that immediately had him grinning back, intent on her. I watched as she ordered, envying the ease with which she conversed with the waiter. By the time he left the table they were both laughing. She returned her attention to me, any offense she might have felt at my earlier retreat apparently forgotten.

"I'm flattered you told your therapist about me. I know this is all such new territory for you," She said. "So how was it? Coming out, or however you're thinking of it."

"It was good." I checked my watch. "It happened about an hour ago, actually."

"Right before our date?"

"I needed to tell someone."

"I get that." She folded her hands on the table. "Leigh-Anne called me as I was leaving to pick you up. She wanted to know how the date with Ally went."

"Oh." At the mention of Leigh-Anne's name, my throat went dry. Though I had just confessed needing to tell Dr. Nelson about our new relationship, I wasn't thrilled with the idea of Leigh-Anne finding out. That wasn't exactly fair to Perrie, but it had nothing to do with being fair. After learning that someone had discovered my cell number, I considered everything a violation of my privacy. "What did you say?"

"I told her that Ally was a really sweet girl, but I didn't think we had a future."

"Did you tell her why?"

She watched my eyes. "No. I wasn't ready to tell her about us yet."

I relaxed. "Oh."

"You seem relieved."

"A little." I smiled, hoping to take any sting out of her words. "You know I'm a very private person."

"I know. But I do hope you'll understand that I'll want to tell her eventually. She's my closest friend, besides you."

"Of course. But if you wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate it if we kept this between us for a bit. Until we get more comfortable with it ourselves."

"I understand." She touched my foot with her own, then retreated. "This is new for you. I get it."

"Thank you." From the corner of my eye, I saw the man at the next table lean across their bread basket to give the woman a kiss.

Perrie followed my line of sight. "They look like they're very much in love."

"Yeah." I dragged my attention back to her, embarrassed to have been caught looking. "Definitely seems that way."

"I think it's sweet. Then again, I'm feeling much more charitable toward romance these days." She smiled over the rim of her water glass. "Now that I've found some of my own."

I couldn't help but return her smile, charmed by the way she could shrink the world down to only the two of us with just a few words. I stared at her mouth, lost in the memory of her other talents. Gazing at her throat, I then drifted to the top of her breasts. What I wouldn't give to have her back on my couch right now.

Our waiter appeared at the table, breaking me out of my reverie. Face red, I looked at the floor as he set a dinner salad in front of me. I echoed Perrie's thanks, then watched him walk back toward the kitchen with relief. Catching a glimpse of the couple at the next table, I wasn't surprised to find them caressing each other's arms on the tabletop.

Were me and Perrie that obvious? We weren't making out in front of the entire restaurant like those two, but I was staring at her with just as much desire as that man had for his date. Did our waiter know me and Perrie were a couple? And more importantly, did he have any idea who I was?

I turned Karla Hayes' message over in my head. Yet another interview request. For a while it had seemed like everyone wanted an interview, to the point where I stopped answering the phone completely. The fascination with my story had been intense, personal, and a violation that I had no choice but to suffer again and again. I could only imagine the interest a same-sex relationship would ignite.

War hero and her lesbian lover. I could see the story now. I picked up my salad fork, trying to choke down the bile that rose in my throat. No way could I go through that now. Looking across the table at Perrie, I offered a weak grin. She smiled back, concern shining in her eyes. I would never put her through that kind of scrutiny, either. I endured it only because I had no choice. She would have choices, and I was terrified of where that would inevitably leave us.

"You're sure everything's okay?" She said quietly. "We can leave if this is too much."

I shook my head, determined to make it through dinner. After tonight I would be more careful about what I agreed to do, but I had promised Perrie at least one real date. If I could give her nothing else, I would give her this.

"I'm okay," I said. "Let's eat."