Scars Of The Past || Jerrie

Nineteen

Jade

I led Perrie to the den, hardly able to believe that my legs functioned. Never in my life had I felt something so intense as that kiss. It made my kisses with Jed, as sweet as they were, seem like two kids playacting at being in love. This was the real thing, and it was with a woman.

I collapsed on one end of the couch, wishing I'd had time to shower. She had caught me lifting weights, my standard escape when I was stressed out. Three days of trying to stay away from her had been beyond stressful, and even the weights didn't help. Only seeing her, then feeling her, eased the pain of separation.

She sat on the middle cushion, close without touching. She played with her fingernails as though she didn't know what to do with her hands. She looked vulnerable and very young. "So what does this mean?"

I had never seen her like this and felt protective, even though I was the source of her uncertainty. "I don't know what it means. I'm sorry for dropping this on you all at once."

"No apologies." She raised a trembling hand. "Not for that kiss."

I searched for some way to explain how I had gained the courage to make such a move, but I barely understood it. "I can't believe I did that."

"Do you wish you hadn't?"

I could hear the worry in her voice. "No. I'm just surprised."

She chuckled. "Understatement."

"I'm sorry for not returning your calls." Cutting off contact had been nearly impossible, but at the time I thought I needed to do it. "I needed time to think. And I was scared to see you again."

"Why?"

"I was upset when you told me Leigh-Anne set you up on a date. Jealous. At first I believed I didn't like sharing your time and attention, but it was more than that. I didn't like the idea of someone else kissing you." My cheeks burned. I never thought I would be having such an intimate conversation with someone again. "When I realized I wanted to be the one kissing you, I didn't know what to do."

"A couple months ago you nearly walked out of my house when I told you I was a lesbian. This is a big change." She kept her voice gentle, but I could tell this was a real concern. To go from borderline homophobia to kissing another woman so quickly was quite a leap.

"I know. That was a knee-jerk reaction and I felt like a complete asshole. I didn't understand your intentions."

"Still, this must really surprise you." She looked away shyly. "Being attracted to a woman."

"Yes." I wanted to be as honest as possible. "And I wouldn't admit that I was until you told me about your date. Then I couldn't think about anything else."

Perrie ran a hand through her hair, and my throat went dry as I remembered how those honey-blonde locks felt wrapped around my fingers. I stared at her throat and imagined pressing my lips there, finding her pulse with my tongue. Blinking, I looked away with effort. After almost two years with no sex drive, I didn't know what to make of the feelings she had unleashed.

"I've been attracted to you since we met." Her voice was so quiet I had to lean forward to hear. "But I never wanted you to know. I thought it would scare you away. That you could never feel the same way."

I inhaled. Though she had made it clear that she enjoyed our kiss, it meant everything to hear that she had been struggling with the same doubts. "I didn't know. It didn't occur to me that I had anything to offer you."

She shifted closer and traced her finger over the length of my bare arm, leaving goose bumps in her wake. "It's time to stop saying that. Okay?"

I nodded. "But you need to understand something. I really don't know what I can offer you, or when. Till recently I would have told you I'm not ready for a relationship."