Scars Of The Past || Jerrie

Thirteen

Jade

I tried to play it cool, but Dr. Nelson was good at reading my mood. "You look radiant today," she said, her own joy evident despite the grainy obfuscation of the video chat window. "I take it things are going well."

"Very well." I allowed myself to grin. No point in being shy about it. I was feeling better than I had in years. "I'm feeling good."

"Awesome. Any particular reason, or just having a good day?"

"Good day, good week." I leaned back in my office chair, dropping my hand to pet Jackson's head. "Great friend."

"Perrie?"

I laughed. "That's the one. The only one."

"One friend is a wonderful thing. Better than none."

"Definitely. Although I'm forgetting someone." I unclipped the webcam from my monitor, aiming it at the second dog pillow that sat next to my chair. Hatchi lifted his head, looked at the webcam, then settled back down with a deep sigh. "This is Hatchi."

"Ah, the famous Hatchi. It's nice to put a face with the name."

I laughed as I returned the camera to its original position. "I know it's silly, but I consider him a friend, too."

"Not silly. Dogs can be incredible friends. But I am glad to hear that your human friendship is working out, too."

"It's more than working out. It's amazing. Perrie's amazing."

"Tell me," Dr. Nelson said.

"She took me to this puppy-petting thing at the service-dog institute the other day." I let myself enjoy the memory of that afternoon. Even though I had been scared to let Perrie drive me someplace unknown, the experience had turned out to be amazing. Not only the puppies, but the shift in our friendship. "She arranged for us to spend some time with a litter, and it was so much fun."

"That does sound like fun," Dr. Nelson said. "She sounds like a very good friend."

"She's incredible. I've never felt like this about anyone. Even before Iraq. I mean, Jed was my best friend, no doubt, but we bonded on a completely different level."

"How so?"

"My relationship with Jed was more of a surface thing. Don't get me wrong, I loved him. We had a lot of fun together. But I'm not sure I ever trusted him as much as I trust Perrie. I can't explain it. Something about her makes me want to be with her all the time."

Dr. Nelson opened her mouth to speak, then hesitated. Something about that pause put me on edge slightly, and I sat back in my chair. I was gushing about Perrie, wasn't I? Was that weird?

"What?" I asked.

"I was just remembering that you mentioned Perrie is a lesbian," she said. "It's interesting that when you talk about her, the first thing that comes up is Jed. That's an intriguing comparison."

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm not trying to say anything. I'm just making an observation."

"Well, it sounds pretty wrongheaded to me. Jed was my best friend since high school. Perrie is my best friend right now. That's the extent of the similarity."

"Of course," she said. "They're both very important people in your life. We're talking about two of the most intimate relationships you've ever had."

"I'm not a lesbian."

Dr. Nelson blinked and took a moment to respond. "I'm not trying to offend you, Jade. Or suggest anything that makes you uncomfortable."

"I'm not uncomfortable. It's unfair to assume that just because Perrie is gay, me liking her means that I'm gay too."

Dr. Nelson raised her hand. "I apologize, Jade. I didn't mean to touch a nerve."

"Well, that was awfully presumptuous." I twisted my hands in my lap, so upset I wanted to shut down our session right now. Couldn't I be friends with a lesbian without raising the suspicion that my feelings were something more than platonic? "Plenty of people have gay friends without being gay themselves."

"You're absolutely right. Honestly, Jade, I didn't realize that my comment would upset you like it has. Please accept my apology."

I took a deep breath, trying like hell to calm down. Dr. Nelson had definitely touched a nerve, and even I was surprised by the force of my reaction to the mere suggestion that I was attracted to Perrie. Deep down, I knew that my passionate denial hinted at something I couldn't bear to explore very closely. At least not yet.

"I'm sorry too, Dr. Nelson." I finally looked at my therapist's image on the screen. "I'm a little oversensitive. In the military, that's a serious accusation. Old habits die hard."

"Understood. At any rate, I'm thrilled that you've got this new friendship in your life. She's helping you get out there and experience new things."

"It's pretty cool." I took another breath, forcing myself to let down my guard again. "I talked to her a little bit...about Iraq."

"And how was that?"

"Good. A little scary, but she doesn't push me. She just...lets me talk. Or not."

"Sounds perfect."

"She is." I felt a niggling of unease, a creeping doubt about the way I talked about Perrie. Why did Dr. Nelson have to raise the idea that I was attracted to Perrie? Now I felt self-conscious, like everything I said was a giant red flag. "It's good to have a friend again."

"It'll be very healing for you to be able to share some of what you've been going through with someone you trust. You're gaining confidence and should find it easier to cope with life when you've got someone on your side."

"You're right," I said. "Moving here was the best thing I could have done."

"I was worried about what this move would mean for you. But you're flourishing, and I'm very proud of you."

My eyes filled at the compliment, which meant a lot coming from someone who had seen me at my lowest low. Often I worried that I would disappoint Dr. Nelson, so it felt good to have made her proud. And it was even better to be proud of myself.