Scars Of The Past || Jerrie

Twenty-Eight

Jade

I lay in bed with my cordless phone on the nightstand beside me. I had a book in my hands, but had given up on actually reading it twenty minutes ago. I could look at the same paragraph only so many times without paying attention to the words. Besides, the book was the last thing on my mind.

I glanced at the phone's display to make sure the batteries hadn't died. Nope. Fully charged. Then I looked at the clock. It was after eleven. Perrie had said she should be back to her hotel room by now and would call as soon as she got there.

Sighing, I marked my page and put my book down. Then I threw my arm over my eyes, disgusted by how pathetic this was. I couldn't remember needing another person so badly. And this wasn't even sexual need, though that was certainly part of it. I needed Perrie like I needed to breathe. Life with her seemed brighter, more exciting. Happy, even.

Life without her was boring. And empty.

I let my mind wander as I waited for the phone to ring and thought about the advice Dr. Nelson had given me about sex two weeks ago. It was reasonable that I should practice being comfortable with my body again without Perrie. I just wasn't sure how to start.

That wasn't true. I knew exactly where to start but wasn't sure if I could bring myself to try.

Since when did masturbation seem so scary? I used to do this all the time. Even when I was a kid. How could something so familiar and so pleasurable frighten me now?

I let my hand rest on my stomach. I was a soldier, goddamn it. I had faced much scarier things than this and survived. This wasn't a big deal. Stay in the present. No negative predictions.

I pushed my T-shirt up just under my breasts and stroked the bare skin around my belly button. I had been so disconnected from my body since Iraq, it felt foreign to touch it like this. Like I was touching a stranger.

What if I had lost the ability to enjoy my body along with the old Jade, another of the many things—my sense of safety in my world, my innocence—I didn't know how to get back? I hadn't even tried. What if I was broken in ways too devastating to face?

But now that I had found Perrie, I owed it to both of us to deal with my sexual issues head-on. It was evidently a very good sign that she aroused me and that I even wanted sex for the first time since Sam had held me down on that bathroom floor. If I still desired it, maybe I would be able to achieve orgasm. Right?

I took a deep breath and slid my hand under the elastic waistband of my panties. Without letting myself think, I found my clit and stroked it gently. It was sensitive to the touch, almost unbearably so.

I startled when the phone rang and tore my hand from my panties. Willing my heart rate to slow, I fumbled the handset when I picked it up. "Hello?"

"Hey, sweetheart. Hope I didn't wake you."

At the sound of Perrie's voice, all the tension left my body. I hadn't even realized how tightly wound I was until that moment. "Are you kidding me? I've been trying to stop staring at the phone and willing it to ring."

She laughed. "I've been looking forward to hearing your voice, too. How was your day?"

"Great," I said, though "adequate" was probably a fairer adjective. "I worked with Hatchi on agility for a while this afternoon, but it was pretty cold outside so we all decided to cuddle on the couch. We may have watched one too many Indiana Jones movies."

"That sounds wonderful."

"No day is wonderful without you. But it was pretty good." I wished I had been brave enough to accompany her to the city but knew she wasn't surprised that I hadn't. "How was your day?"