Scars Of The Past || Jerrie

Thirty-One

Jade

I slumped to the floor when I heard the front door shut behind Perrie. I pressed my back to the wall and folded my hands over my stomach, fighting not to lose my lunch. Jackson lay down in front of me and maneuvered his head on to my lap. Grateful for his closeness, I stroked his face and tried to calm down.

What a fucking idiot I was. All day I had been planning to make love with her, blissfully unaware of the trouble brewing between us. Though I had known that she was catching on to my reluctance to be seen in public together, I had hoped to have more time before she made a big deal about it.

I balled my hands into fists, overcome with the urge to strike something. But I was pinned beneath Jackson's bulk and didn't want to startle him by slamming into the wall, so I stayed still. I was glad Jackson was there. If I were alone, I didn't know what I would've done.

I couldn't decide who I was more angry with: Perrie or myself. On the one hand I felt like Perrie had ambushed me when I least expected it. That she had suggested we take a break was a punch in the gut. On the other hand, I couldn't blame her for wanting more than I could give. Normal people liked to leave the house on occasion. And she was unashamed and unapologetic about who she was, which was something I loved about her. Of course it would be difficult for her to lie.

So what had I expected? That she would stand by silently while I isolated us from the world? Even if she did love me, that was a hell of a lot to ask of someone. Unfortunately, I didn't know what more I could give her.

Dr. Nelson had told me to talk to Perrie about my fears and I hadn't. From here on the floor, broken in two, I could see that I had been a coward. I hadn't wanted her to know how anxious the threat of exposure made me, or about the attention we could both receive if someone found out about our relationship. I was afraid she wouldn't stay with me.

That had worked out well. My laugh came out harsh, like a sob. "Why did I ever think I could be with her?" I asked Jackson, who blinked in response. "I am so fucking stupid."

I wished there was beer in the house. Though I had never been much of a drinker before Iraq and stayed far away from alcohol after being diagnosed with PTSD, right now I desperately wanted a drink. Anything to numb my pain. It was either that or put my fist through a wall.

I needed to call Dr. Nelson. Now.

With effort, I picked myself up off the floor. Jackson stood with me, staying close by my side. I walked to my cell phone as though I were in a dream, then watched my fingers navigate the contact list until I had Dr. Nelson's number on-screen. I listened to the phone ring in a haze, waiting for the voice mail where I would leave my message.

After the beep, I said, "Dr. Nelson, this is Jade Thirlwall. I need you to call me back as soon as you have a chance. I'm having a pretty bad day—" My voice broke, and I closed my eyes. No point in lying. "I feel like I want to do something to hurt myself right now." Realizing how that might be interpreted, I hastily added, "Not like kill myself or anything. Just...I need to talk to you. I'm really upset. Thank you. Bye."

I hung up and stood motionless, unsure what to do next. I wasn't hungry. Television wouldn't hold my interest, nor would a book. I took the phone to my bed and lay down, inviting Jackson next to me. My whole body felt numb. Perrie had only been gone ten minutes, but it could have easily been ten years. I felt entirely alone.

Wrapping my arms around Jackson, I held him close. He groaned, bringing a smile to my face despite myself. No matter what, Jackson was here for me. It didn't matter how fucked up I was. He would stick by my in good times and bad, even if I had a setback. All he wanted was to be loved and cared for, and I could do that. At least I had one dependable relationship.