Scars Of The Past || Jerrie

Twenty-Six

Jade

Usually when Dr. Nelson started a session by asking me what I wanted to focus on that day, I struggled to come up with a topic. Three days after my first night in bed with Perrie, I knew exactly what I wanted to talk about.

"Sex."

Dr. Nelson raised an eyebrow. "I thought this might come up soon."

"Like you said, being with Perrie...physically...is stirring up a lot of emotions. Some that I'm not sure how to deal with." I twisted my hands in my lap, face hot with embarrassment. Though we had mentioned my sexuality in the past, we had never focused on it in our sessions. We had discussed my lack of sex drive after Iraq, but that was it. I had built a great deal of trust with Dr. Nelson, but it was still strange to talk about sex with anyone. "We haven't actually had sex yet, but we came close."

"Tell me what happened."

I told her about our evening on the couch, necking like teenagers instead of watching the movie. "Then I asked her to spend the night. In my bed."

"Did you intend to have sex?"

"No," I said, but I wasn't entirely honest. "Well, maybe. I mean, I thought that maybe we would. I was pretty scared, but I think I hoped we would."

"But you didn't."

I averted my eyes from the monitor, too humiliated to meet her gaze even through the camera lens. "We started kissing and she told me I could touch her breasts. So I did, and I got so excited I kind of got carried away."

"Carried away how?"

I closed my eyes altogether, ashamed. "I pulled up her shirt so I could see her breasts, then all of a sudden I was on top of her. Holding her down and kissing her."

"Was she uncomfortable?"

I shook my head, glancing furtively at the monitor. "She said she wasn't. But I was. I had a brief flashback. Of Sam. I almost had a full-fledged panic attack, but luckily Jackson was there to help snap me out of it."

"Look at me, Jade." Dr. Nelson had this amazing way of sounding patient and sympathetic, like she was incapable of passing judgment. Relaxing, I looked back at the webcam. "You are not Sergeant Sam."

"I know," I said. "But maybe I could be."

"You might hold Perrie down and hit her in the face? Force her to have sex against her will?"

I flinched. "Of course not."

"Okay, then. You are not Sergeant Sam. Let's unpack this. There's a lot going on here. Think about how you felt when you got on top of Perrie. How your body felt. What was happening in your mind?"

"I..." I tried to go back to that moment. Perrie's breast was so soft, so perfect. For years I had lived with breasts of my own, never realizing how incredible they could be. I remembered baring her chest, then feeling the blood surge through my veins when I saw tight pink nipples. Needing to be on top of Perrie, inside her. "I was so aroused. I wanted her. Completely."

"That's perfectly normal with someone you're attracted to. Especially if romantic feelings go along with that desire. And friendship on top of that?" Dr. Nelson chuckled. "We're talking major, major passion, Jade."

I frowned. "Does that explain the way I wanted to be in control, though? It wasn't even a conscious desire. All of a sudden I had her hands above her head and was kissing the hell out of her. The whole situation, including the control, excited me. When she moved like she was trying to pull away I pressed her wrists down harder."