Friends.

Chapter 74

LOUIS POV

He went after her, while I stood frozen on the spot, unable to process my own emotions enough to know what I want.

I want her. I know that much.

But I don’t want some big showdown with Harry over her, because evidently we both lose out in that situation.

My heart aches, a hollow feeling has taken over me, leaving me with this horrible…aftertaste, almost.

I didn’t want to tell her, and watch her heartbreak before my eyes when she realised he manipulated her into being with him. He orchestrated the events to work exactly in his favour, and both Lola and I played into his hand.

I can’t believe I was stupid enough to fall into his trap, and sleep with El. She was there, I was only…I missed her. You don’t end a three year relationship and all emotional connection disappears, it doesn’t work like that, no matter how badly you want it to.  I was scared, unsure of my relationship with Lola and I wanted to feel like I wasn’t so reliant on her, I wanted to know that if she left me for Harry, I would be okay, I would be able to move on. But I wasn’t, I let myself forget about her for three days, losing myself in the past as I spent time with Eleanor, stupidly in public, and realizing just how much I wanted Lola. There wasn’t anything between El and I anymore, only the reminder of how she walked out on me when I needed her the most, and how bitter the whole break up was. Lola was what I wanted, and needed.

The regret of that stupid, selfish action weighs heavy on my shoulders every fucking day, and the constant reminder of those decisions from seeing Harry and Lola together was fucking torture.

I was being a dick, I was making her feel guilty on purpose in the hope that she would realise she could never actually be happy with Harry. Too much shit has happened there, and we both knew it was only a matter of time before he fucked it up. I just helped that process along when I ratted him out, making myself look petty and making Lola heartbroken. It was a lose/lose situation, but the sooner she realised he will never be good enough for her, the better.

I can’t believe I tainted my chances with her because of El, fucking hell. She could forgive me. She will, she just needs time. If she can forgive him for fucking her over a thousand times, then she can forgive me for one indiscretion. For fucks sake, I forgave her for Niall and Harry, I know it was before we were together but still. I don’t know how long I’ve been in this room, an hour maybe, just thinking about her. Someone comes in every now and again but leaves without talking to me, leaving me alone again.

I run my fingers through my hair in frustration, sitting down on the couch in this empty dressing room. This girl has me completely confused…over the barrel, thrown in the deep end, utterly dumbfounded. In the short time I’ve known her, she’s changed my entire view of relationships. El was boring, we were in a rut and our relationship was over long before it was actually over. But with Lola, I never really know what to expect. She can go from lawyer-serious to 5 year old-joking in a matter of seconds, her feelings can flip 180 in a matter of days, and the way she looks at you when you say something stupid, like you’re the biggest idiot in the world, but at the same time she kind of admires you for it, to be so ignorant of something…and the way her eyes scrunch up when she laughs, and the constant tugging on the ends of her hair, and…oh my god.

I’m in love with her.

Holy shit. 

My lips twitch into a smile, despite the odd turn of events earlier, I feel quite relieved. This feeling that’s overtaking me is quite astounding, I feel a lightness in my entire being and I scoff as I chuckle to myself, running my palms down my jeans, and smacking my knees. I can’t believe it. That crazy, unpredictable, mildly confusing girl has actually made me fall for her, and I’m not even in a relationship with her anymore. For now, anyway.