Friends.

Chapter 36

I feel this odd sensation as I drive back to Louis' after lunch, like I'm really excited to see him even though it has only be a couple of hours. But at the same time, I'm terrified about this New York situation. I wish someone would just tell me what to do. I know I have to take it, I just wish this had come about three months ago when I would've thrown everything out the window for the opportunity. Now it's not that easy. 

I should be excited, over the moon even at the chance to progress in my career yet again but something is holding me back from feeling truly happy. I don't know how I would even explain it to Louis, that I'm just disappearing when we've only just started...whatever this is...again. I don't know what his reaction will be, if he'll just end what we have right there and then because it's clearly pointless. It can't go anywhere if we're on opposite sides of the world. Long distance doesn't work, he's just gotten out of a serious relationship that was predominantly long distance and I doubt he'd want to start another one. I'll put it off as long as possible, I'll make up something completely irrelevant to tell him that Grandad wanted to talk to me about, but only if he asks. 

This is so frustrating, a pit of dread has formed in my stomach from this whole situation. It's like a wrecking ball has just come in and knocked everything over yet again. Karma is a bitch and if it was an actual person I guarantee it would get a lot of hate...predominantly from me. 

I want to burst in to tears, scream even at the fact that just once I can't be happy without something getting in the way. I wish I could just quit my job, forget all about New York and just follow Louis around on tour. But I couldn't even do that, because Harry would be there and that would be horrible, all because I'm one big fuck up. I wonder what it's like to have no ambition, no drive to always be the best you can be and always striving for more. I wonder what it's like to not want to disappoint your parents, and grandparents in my case. There's so much pressure on me to be this amazing lawyer, there always has been and if I let myself think about it too much I would probably question whether this is actually my chosen profession or if I was just forced into it. None of that matters now, I've worked too hard just to throw away a big opportunity because of a boy. 

I walk up the path to Louis' house, immediately regretting not going home and grabbing some fresh clothes before coming back here. 

He opens the door and I have the full intention of lying to him about New York, but when he looks at me with his honest blue eyes, and his cheeky grin that's full of hope, I just can't bring myself to. Before I say hello, before I hug him or anything, I mutter five little words. It's like there is a bubble of guilt at the bottom of my throat forcing the words out into the open way ahead of their time. 

"I'm moving to New York." My voice is quiet, ashamed almost and I watch him tentatively as his face drops, his eye brow furrows in confusion and he purses his lips. I just couldn't lie to him again, he forgave me on the premise that I wouldn't lie to him anymore and I can't break that within a day of making promising. As much as part of me wanted to keep this hidden, almostl ike it wasn't real, I just couldn't. I don't think my heart could let me, because if I lied to him, I would guarantee this ending way sooner than I want it to, if it doesn't end right now that is. "There's this huge job opportunity for me...it'll change everything for me career-wise and it's what I've always wanted...I have to go." I explain. 

He steps out of the way, letting me in and I give him a sad smile, visibly representing how unenthused about this move I am. I should be enthused though, this is all I've ever wanted, this is going to speed up the process of becoming partner which has been my goal for as long as I remember. I wasted my teenage years studying just for this, and now I don't even want it. 

"Say something?" I ask as I follow him into the living room, he stops walking and leans against the back of the couch. I think the silence is worse than if he was annoyed. I wish I knew what we were, then I could rationalise in my mind what is going to happen.