Friends.

Chapter 50

I've always seen missing people as a sign of weakness, that was until I felt it, really felt it for the first time. I'd missed people before, of course I had. But never like this. It's only been 16 days, and I feel pathetic that he is constantly on my mind. I realise now that missing people isn't weak, it doesn't take away your independence like I once thought it did, it just means someone else matters more than yourself. In fact, being independent is easy. I've always used my intelligence and my independence as a front to escape having to feel things like this. Deep down I knew that being so emotionally attached to someone that you actually physically feel like something is missing when they're not around was worse than just being on your own- hell, that was so easy. This, this missing someone who's 24 hours away, it's torture, knowing I have someone but I don't actually because he isn't here, he's far away.

We talk everyday, but it never feels like enough. We could talk for 10 hours and it probably would still feel like ten minutes. He sends me a picture of where he is everyday, he's currently in New Zealand, before they go back to Australia for more concerts. I wonder if he has as much trouble sleeping as I do? I can't bring myself to tell him just how much I actually do miss him, because we haven't been in a relationship that long, and I don't want to scare him off. It's not like we're in love. We're just two people who seem to share a common feeling about one another, and got together at an inopportune time, meaning our relationship was automatically put to the test. The question is, will it make us stronger, or tear us apart?

I don't know why I let myself think about this so much, especially at this time, when its midnight and I'm trying to sleep. It's counter-productive is what it is. But no matter how hard I try, my stomach feels empty and my head feels consumed by worry. I wish he would come back and make me feel careless again. New York is two weeks away now, and it's making me more and more stressed every day. If he were here none of it would faze me as much as it is, but he's not.

I've packed up my apartment, most of it anyway. Everything except my home office, because I know that's where I chucked everything to do with Harry and I'm just not ready to open that door yet and be confronted by that...pain. I eventually forced myself to clean up the shattered pieces of mirror on my bedroom floor, and scrub the bloodstain from the carpet. It had to be done, I used to want it to stay as a reminder of how much he hurt me, but it started being just a reminder of him and I don't need that, my mind does a good enough job on its own.

I don't know what time it is in New Zealand but I want to talk to Louis, so I reach out for my phone and text him.

Me: Send me a picture of you. X

Louis: Nudes? ;)

I laugh out loud immediately, we've done phone sex since he's been gone...but we haven't got to the point of sending nudes.
Me: No...your face, I want to see your eyes. Though I wouldn't object to any other pictures you have them handy ;)
Louis: Okay, it's 11am here and I'm about to do an interview with the boys. We can facetime tomorrow morning your time? Xx
He sent a selfie that he clearly just took, his blue eyes wide and his lips curled into a sleepy grin. Knowing him he's probably running late to the interview because he overslept.

Me: sounds great, have fun xx

Louis: I will, go to sleep love x

Me: If you were here maybe.

Louis: Pretend I am. Xx

Me: I wish it was that easy.

I eventually drift off to sleep, because when I wake my phone is still in my hand from texting Louis and I have a missed facetime call from him. Fuck.

Louis: Are you awake?

Louis: Answer xx

Louis: I only have like ten minutes please wake up x