Friends.

Chapter 57- 5 days till NY

A/N: This chapter and the next are going to be two (MAYBE THREE) brief installments of Charlotte's inner monologue. Also, they are both based loosely off songs and I wanted to be able to post the song along side it. The other one might be up later tonight, maybe not. Comment and vote as usual please x

5 Days to New York

I reluctantly decided to take Linda’s advice and not go to New York sooner than planned. I am also trying to take her advice in regards to everything else but it’s not as easy as it sounds. My natural instinct is to squash any feelings I have towards both Louis and Harry, if I have any feelings for either of them.

That’s a perfect example of how bad I am at this, I do having feelings for them both, that’s the issue. I just wish my brain would stop trying to forget that so that I can try and accept it and move on. I can’t have feelings for them forever, they will go away soon enough. Please, my subconscious pleads, kneeling on the ground in surrender. There's alot going on in my mind and the poor thing is exhausted. Bitch deserves it, she's the one who drives all my bad decisions. If she had her way I would have forgiven both Louis and Harry. She's certifiably insane so I've stopped listening to her. 

I’m starting to question Linda's advice though. When I finally do let everything affect me, let myself really accept what has happened, it all overwhelms me and comes crashing into me like a huge wave of a truth I don’t want to know. I just struggle to see how this could ever be helpful for my emotional stability? I feel like I'm on the verge of a break down every second of every day...I just want it to stop. 

It’s impossible to concentrate, and the impending trip to New York can’t come soon enough. I need an escape.

The more and more I delve into my relationship issues, the harder it is to stop imagining Louis and Eleanor together, and hence the worse I feel. Knowing he could just ignore me for days while he was off with her…and not even secretly, he let the whole world know that he was cheating on me, not caring how that would make me look...pathetic. Or how it would make his fans respond to me. I know I shouldn’t care, but I used to love social media, I loved instagram, I loved tweeting but the hate that I get now is ridiculous, every post gets an influx of comments drabbling on about how I was never good enough for him anyway, that Eleanor is better, and then there’s all the stuff about Elounor being meant for one another. I know I shouldn’t read it but every comment is just another nail in the coffin of Louis and my relationship. They don’t know me, so they can’t judge…frankly if they did know me they’d probably judge me more. Despite the hate, I'm not letting it affect how much I post etc. I long for the days when I was Harry’s best friend and his fans loved me because I wasn’t a threat to his relationship status, and I always posted pictures of him that would give them ‘feels’. I hate that saying…

But still, no matter how much I think about all of this, the bottomless pit in my stomach doesn’t go away, the constant aching in my heart never disappears, and my brain is forever looking for excuses, or reasons to blame myself for Louis’ indiscretions...but there's no logical way that I could forgive him and not resent myself for it. 

I hate this. I hate everything. I hate that I have no control over my emotions. I'm sick of being constantly inundated by the heavy downpour from the dark storm cloud that follows me everywhere. 

@CharJones: This time won’t you save me….baby I can feel myself giving up.

@Harry_Styles: it’s horrible when your heart is somewhere your body is not

@Louis_Tomlinson: Great show tonight !