I Knew You Were Trouble - (Fransykes)

Chapter twenty nine

Jordan was the only one apart from Jack and Alex who knew about my baby. He was adamant that I'd tell Oli about the pregnancy in the first place, but that chat in the hospital room went the complete opposite to what either of us was expecting. I wonder if Jordan ended up telling Oli himself about the pregnancy... I doubt it, he did promise not to say anything. But then there was always this uncertainty in my mind that he did tell Oli about it, but Oli still didn't care to come find me and fix it and become a caring loving father liked I hoped. He did say I was nothing to him after all, why would a baby change how he feels? It wouldn't. I was yet again torturing myself with all the "what if's" and what could've been and should've been. It was an endless cycle of dark upsetting thoughts going around in my mind constantly. It was exhausting but I couldn't stop myself from thinking it.

It didn't make the pain go away and it certainly didn't make anything okay. I was alone without the love or care of the father of my baby. It was always a constant reminder that I was a good for nothing and uncable of love.

Alex woke me up half an hour ago to get ready for work but I still hadn't moved. I was in no fit mind state to get out of this bed and communicate with human beings today.

"Josh, come on, I'm not letting you miss work again." Alex moans agitatedly when he sees me still in bed.

He walks over to the bed ready to drag me out of it but I glance up at him miserably. Without a word but tears stains clearly visible on my cheeks were enough for him to stop in his tracks and notice that I weren't okay. That's when I see his annoyed expression change to a softer sympathetic one and sighed before sitting down on the edge of the bed beside me.

I got like this often and he was used to it. My emotions were everywhere because of the break up and the hormones were exactly helping. I was miserably pretty much all the time. I had no reason to smile anymore, the light to my darkness went out long ago and I was ready to some come to it. I had nothing to be happy about. I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. That's how bad things have got that I had slipped into a world of depression. I just didn't want to be here anymore.

"Hey, its okay." Alex soft voice soothes me.

He put his hand on my leg and rubbed it gently as a form of comfort and gave me a small smile.

I shake my head sadly and rolled over onto my back and rubbed the tears from my eyes with the back of my hands and wiped my runny nose. I was a sad broken mess and he shouldn't bother wasting his time on someone like me. I wasn't worth it. But he annoyingly never left my side.

"It will get better, I promise." He says making me choke on a sob.

I wished he would stop saying that. He had Jack and their perfect relationship he didn't know what it was like to lose the love of your life. He had no idea how I was feeling. I've lost everything. It wasn't going to get better and I was going to be sad and lonely forever and the hole in my chest was never going to heal or stop wanting a certain someone.

I placed my hand over the tiny bump I had recently developed and let out a big shaky breath as I looked down at it. It was still so surreal to me that I was carrying a baby. His baby. I don't think it would fully register until due date rolled around and my baby was sitting in my arms and depending on me for everything.

I was afraid that I wouldn't be good enough for them.I was never a good enough son, or a good enough friend. Not even a good enough boyfriend... what makes Alex so sure that I will be a good enough mum? I wasn't ready for this and I don't think I'll ever be. I've failed so many times before and I've tried so hard to better myself but I always find myself face down in the dirt in shattered pieces. I was absolutely terrified and even more so not having Oli by myself like I dreamt of.