Missing ; Phan ~ completed

[in my head]

{Dan's POV}
I hate crying.
But in this moment I can stop myself from bawling my eyes out. It's like he purposefully put those clips.. To ruin last night. Although he could never do that, he tried.
Those clips brought back things.
Pain. Emotional and physical.

I bury my face in my hands, gasping for air in between sobs. Before I can stop it, I feel panic in my chest and I can't breathe. I'm shaking. I can't calm myself down.

"Dan?" Phil says softly, kneeling on the floor next to me. "Dan, calm down.. Breathe." He mutters, putting a hand on my knee.

"I c-can't." I manage to stutter, taking quick shaky breaths. It feels like the world is closing in on me and I can't stop the feeling.

"Listen to me." He says firmly, peeling my hands from my face. "You're okay, calm down." He says comfortingly, and I put my head between my knees. My chest is burning, I need to breathe, but my body won't let me. I can't take a deep breath, only short quick intakes. The world feels like its spinning. I feel lightheaded, no matter how desperately I try to calm down, I can't. "Dan, you have to calm down baby. You're going to pass out." He says, and I know he is right, I just can't.

"I c-can't.." I say, now visibly shaking. My mind has placed me in that cold room again. In my head I'm not in my living room, I'm back on the concrete floor, in the middle of a panic attack. In the real world, Phil moves so he is sitting cross legged right in front of me.

"Baby, look at me." He murmurs and I lift my head, snapping from this false reality. "It's okay, you're safe." he grabs my shaky hand, kissing it softly. "Deep breaths." He mumbles, and although I'm still freaking out completely, looking into his blue eyes makes it a bit better. I take a normal breath, although I'm still shaking and crying.

Before I can calm down any more another wave of panic rises and my nails dig into my arm. This time it makes me want to scream. I can't control this. I hate it so much. I close my eyes, and I am back there. I can't stop the flashbacks as they swirl in my mind. Suddenly Phil's touch isn't so comforting. I move away, pressing against the wall. "Dan?" Phil's shaky voice asks, worried for me.

But in my head, Dan is Daniel and Phil is Him.

"N-No." I whisper, shaking my head, the tears falling from my eyes.

"Baby.. It's okay." He whispers, as if pleading for me to be alright.

In my head I'm not okay, and I'm definitely not safe.

"D-Don't hurt me." I whimper, in my mind, no longer in the safety of my house.

"Dan.. I'm not going to hurt you." He says, his voice breaking in the middle. "It's me, Phil." He whispers, sounding like he is about to cry.

"Well, Daniel, you know I'm not going to hurt you." He chuckles, and although he says that, I know its a lie. "I'm not going to kill you anyways, that would be doing you a favor." And just like that, another punch to the face. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?" He snickers, and I shake my head, bawling my eyes out. "God, I don't know why I fuck you." He sighs, grabbing me by the hair and forcing his lips onto mine.

"Dan? Baby.. p-please, listen to me." Phil's shaky voice breaks me from the flashback and I look back up at him. Although my vision is blurry I can see the tears in his eyes.

"Make it stop." I whisper, looking back down and sobbing.

"I'm sorry." He mutters, biting his lip and looking at me sadly. My breathing goes back to normal for the most part. I open my arms, now back in reality and wanting nothing more then to hug Phil. He sits next to me and I crawl into his lap, wrapping my arms around him. "I'm so sorry." He mumbles, kissing the top of my head and rubbing my back gently.

The room goes silent, other then shaky breaths and the occasional sob from me. I rest my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat. Somehow, this makes everything seem alright because I realize, I've always got him. I close my eyes, focusing on my own breathing and the feeling of his arms around me.

"I love you." I mumble, opening my eyes and looking up at him. He looks down at me with glossy eyes and kisses my lips shortly.

"I love you too Dan." He whispers, holding me tighter.

I look into his blue eyes, grabbing the side of his face and kissing his lips. I turn so I'm straddling his hips and he pulls me closer by my hips. He pulls away, hesitant, and gives me a questioning look. I just shake my head, smiling at him before crashing my lips onto his again.

I just want to forget everything. I know Phil is good at helping me forget.

I don't care about anything else, I have him, and thats all that matters.