death is a force that has no mercy.
it takes without thought, without consideration.
When my father died, people always asked " how do you do it Ethan? how do you stay so collected? " well the answer is quite simple. I breathe, and I focus on it like I have a gun to my head. I count the seconds it takes for me to inhale and the seconds it takes me to exhale and I work hard on maintaining a steady rhythm.
When I saw the look Vic's mom made when she found out her daughter had passed away. I knew I wasn't alone. I also knew that I needed to be strong. I needed to be strong and help because I knew that, that would make Vic happy. So, as Richard, Vic's father, cried on my shoulder for two hours straight talking about her. I breathed, and stayed strong when all I wanted to do was cry, and cry, and cry.
I only allowed myself to feel the things that needed to be felt when I was under the protection of my room, and the darkness provided. While crying, Grayson would sometimes hear me, and come into my bedroom. I didn't oblige when he held me in a tight embrace, and told me that he missed her too.
But to be completely honest I didn't want his hugs. I didn't want anybody to hold me. I didn't even want anybody to touch me. Because each time someone would wrap their arms around me, it reminded me of the unique way that Vic would encase me with her warmth and comfort me whenever I needed it.
But I soon learned to accept all the empathy I could get.
When Victoria's viewing was held, my mom and Grayson came with me. They were scared that I would be too broken to function once it was time to return home, they were scared that I was going to do 'something I was going to regret' just as they told me after what happened when my dad died. But I didn't need them. I didn't need them for the simple reason that I stayed until stars appeared in the sky. I stayed because I wanted to talk to her and look into her face, but I didn't realize I needed 6 hours until I looked at the clock and saw that I was the very last one still crying over her delicate coffin.
As a goodbye to the love of my life, I kissed her forehead and hold her cold hands as I recited the vows I had already sketched out one evening, while lost in thought, it brought my to tears to see that she still had her promise ring upon her left ring finger. Once collected again, I told her all my plans for the future, and how I would never forget her. Then, as tears rolled down my face and sobs spewed from my lips, I left.
I walked out to the small, stone, staircase leading into the funeral parlor and texted my mom that I was ready to be picked up. I waited with my head in my hands, hair pulled tight within my fingers, until my mom arrived in her light brown car. She walked over to me and whispered coos into my ear as she rubbed my back, her mascara in streaks down her face.
"Time to go sweetheart." She finally told me before she took me home. I was quiet and didn't want to be touched or even looked at. So as soon as my moms car pulled into the garage, I got out and went straight to my room. I locked the door behind me when finally inside.
In the dark, I laid down in my bed. I tried to forget that she as gone, and pretend that she was just at home. I imagine her small frame tucked into her apple and vanilla scented sheets, her eyes shut and her eyelashes casting small, almost unnoticeable shadows.
I squeeze my eyes shut and press my face into my pillow and salty tears soak into the soft sheet that covers it. I take a few deep breathes and calm myself before falling asleep.
and with her on my mind, my dreams are filled with the relief i desperately needed.
******
I wake up in the best mood. The sun beaming through my windows in bright orange rays to meet my face and make me feel all warm inside. Wanting to be caught up in the moment, I lay in bed and think of what an amazing thing dreams truly are.
Last night I dreamt of Vic. She looked beautiful as ever, her hair cascading down her back in relaxed waves. Her eyes glimmered and her smile glowed a bright white. Her beauty wasn't anything new to me, I've know that she was beautiful since the very moment I layed eyes on her. But her beauty was nothing compared to the amazing girl she was deep down inside.
After slipping from my day dream I smile to myself and grab my phone. I might as well text her, even though she is probably just waking up. I look to the time, 9:36. Yep, my lil Vic is wake and probably fetching herself some breakfast by now. The thought of her in one of my large t-shirts makes me smile, she always had a thing for closet and I always had a thing for whatever she was wearing. It's really a win-win situation.
good morning princess, hope you wouldn't mind joining me for lunch and a walk to the park :) I press send and smile at my screen, waiting for a response. God I am such a corny boyfriend.
A few minutes go by so I decide to go and grab myself some breakfast. I drop my phone on the bed and slowly pad my way out my locked bedroom door and down the carpeted steps. I walk out to the kitchen and grab an apple. I toss the apple in the air once before catching it and peer out the dinning room window.
my mind dwells upon the memories of her a bit too much.
My jaw tightens as my raised arm drops to my side. I take a breath out of my mouth and loosen my jaw just to cock it off to the side. I nod to myself as my eyes start to sting. I toss the apple back into the fruit bowl rather forcefully and hold myself together as a cold chill runs down the length of my back.
When I turn to make my way back up to my bed, I find Gray at the top of the stairs. He looks down at me, his face relaxed but I know he's worrying. I drop my gaze to the steps as I find it hard to keep eye contact with him, especially as my vision starts to blur.
"Hey-" Grayson starts.
"No, I can't. I'm sorry." I rush to my room and lock my door behind me. I hear him walk after me and knock on my door, but I refuse to answer him. My gaze falls upon my phone and all the muscles in my face tense into a frown. I pick up my phone and with a furious heart throw it across the room with all my might.
I fall atop the bed and grab my head. You're so fucking dumb Ethan. She's fucking gone Ethan. How're you doing Ethan? How do you manage Ethan? Are you okay Ethan? Ethan! Ethan! Ethan! Cause everybody just needs to know if old broken Ethan is okay!?
I yell into my comforter, my body holding itself tight as I lift myself from the bed and start to pace. I pick up my phone and look at the shattered screen and dent in my wall and groan, in that moment something inside just seemed to snap. Everything starts to tumble as my mind slips.
I lash out and punch the wall, my fist going straight through. I pull my hand and examine my white, taut, now bruised knuckles. I look to the hole that I just made. Why?
My rage fades away like the heat from a burner and I sink to the floor, my hands still held in front of me. I hear the sound of my doors lock being messed with and shake my head. Once I hear the click and feel the light breeze from the quickly opening door, I realize that what I just did is going to cost me a big and enraged conversation with my mom that I know will end in tears for both of us.
But I know what I did, I know a lot of things in fact. . .
"Ethan what the hell happened?" Gray's distant voice asks. I feel his hands then hear my mother's gasp, but all I can see is my eyelids.
"Mom, he needs help!" I hear Grayson.
I don't need help. I don't want help. Help with make thing worse.
"Honey lets just get him into his bed first." My mother sad voice instructs.
No don't put me in bed. Don't let me fall asleep again. My dreams are only demons sent to make the pain worse. Don't let me think of her.
don't let this be real.
YOU ARE READING
cancer, egd
Fanfiction"Wait, so why did you want to do this?" I ask. "Why not?" "I don't know." I look around the dull room. "It's boring." "The only the boring about this is the way you are currently thinking." He laughs, propping his legs up on my bed like he owns it...
