cancer, egd

18.sweetheart

A/N: sad chapter sorry:'(

My dreams fade from my memory the moment they enter, but when my eyes slowly start to open to sunlight, I feel happy. The first thing I see is the soft rays of light, pouring through my window. I see my paint job on the wall and my small tattoo that I'm obsessed with. The only thing missing from this picture is him. Ethan.

I turn in my bed to face the door. I flinch backward and yelp when I am greeted by Grayson's figure, slouched in Ethan's chair. He sits there, really silent. His eyes look red a puffy and his hair is flopped onto his forehead, he's been crying. I immediately start to worry and sit up in my bed. He sniffles and straightens himself in his seat.

"Grayson..." my brows push together in both concern, he never seemed like one to cry, yet again neither did I. "What wrong?" I ask. He cocks his jaw off to the side, running his tongue along the inside of his cheek.

"Are you going to die?" He asks, straight out, no filter. I look at him in shock, my lips parted, my eyes widened. And he sits there, his eyes trained on mine, starring me down the way that makes you shiver and break under the intensity of it. "Are you going to die?" He raises his voice, this doesn't seem right. Everything feels wrong.

"Grayson... I don't know." I say, tears welling up in my eyes. How could ask such a thing? The fun, loving Grayson I met is gone, I don't even see the slightest hint that he is still in there.

"How sick are you Victoria?" He asks, the intensity in his eyes fades and is filled by tears, he's completely given up. "Stop making me ask twice! How sick are you?" He cries out, covering his face with his quivering hands.

"Why are you asking these things?" An angered look crosses my face. "How could you expect me to answer those questions?"

"Because you're selfish." He shakes his head, tears falling from his brown eyes, identical to Ethan's.

"Get out! If all you're going to do is call me names, get out!" I shake my head at him and sit up. He sits there for a minute, as if I hadn't told him anything, seeming to have an inaudible conversation with himself.

"He didn't tell you." He says, his voice quiet and thick with a deep emotional pain. But I look past that, to his statement.

"Who didn't tell me what?" I ask, my eyes narrow.

"Ethan didn't tell you about..." he looks down at his hands, his balled up fists force his knuckles into a pale white color. "About our dad." He clenches his jaw and looks away from me. Without even knowing the story, my heart starts to ache, anything that could hurt a person this bad.. it pains me to even know about such things. "We lost him 2 years ago, and Ethan still cries himself to sleep some nights. It destroyed him, as did me." With each word his voice cracks and breaks up in pitch. Without thinking, I swing my legs to the side of my bed and pull Grayson into a tight embrace, sitting upon his lap and letting his head fall into the crook of my neck. He goes hysterical, letting out sobs and cries, shaking with emotion.

"I'm sorry." I shake my head. The room goes silent, the steady breaths from each of our mouth is the only thing to be heard.

"He's can't lose you too." He finally squeaks out, his head slowly raising to meet my gaze. "He won't make it through." He whispers. My heart pounds in my chest. Grayson looks deep into my eyes. "You either have to get better, or you have to let him go." The depth of his eyes almost scares me.

"Grayson I-" he cuts me off.

"No, you have to think about Ethan now." He corrects, his brows furrowed, his eyes weak. I break my gaze and stand from his lap, not feeling right in a mother man's arms. Even if it is his twin brother.

I think of Ethan. The thought of me trying to break up with him pains me. It hurts me to see him in any sort of emotional pain. But the devastation he would feel if I do pass, tears continue to spill at the mere thought of it.

I try to think of something, anything that could keep the pain from reaching his precious heart. I can fight to get better, that what I can do for him. And if it comes down to my case being.. terminal. I could say my goodbyes there, I could say goodbye and live out the rest of my days knowing that he's going to make it and he's going to be happy again.

"But I can't make you do anything." Grayson says, making me meet his gaze again."He's in love with you. I've haven't seen him this happy in a while. You're all he talks about and I won't hate your for staying with him. But just know what's going to happen. Know what he's going to feel." Grayson nods. "Okay?" He asks, a small smile finally appearing on his lips. I nod and fake a smile back at him.

"Okay." I nod.

"I'll talk to you later." He sighs and stands, slowly making his way to the door before leaving without saying another word.

At this very moment in time. I feel like I should be crying. I feel like I should be so angry and upset, absolutely hysterical. But I don't feel anything, I feel empty.

I feel empty because I don't know what to do, and I don't have anyone to turn to who isn't a part of the problem. The nurses are too sweet, I could never pull there pretty little lives into my emotion mess.

I can't talk to my mom anymore, I'm sure she's too content with Mike to truly care.

I can't talk to Ethan because, he's the main reason why I have thousands of questions circling my head.

I would never talk to Mike about it. He's not my dad and he never will be. He's just a distraction. But my mom deserves a distraction, so I refrain from complaining about him.

But what about my dad? The man who I haven't seen in what feels like an eternity. The man who raised me, who taught me how to shoot and bought me a red-rider BB gun for my 6th birthday. The man who taught me everything I know about comedy, he could make anyone laugh to the point in which years stream from their eyes. That's who I need.

I look over to the side table where my candles and tissues are, and sitting there, plugged into its charger, is my phone. I hesitantly pick up the phone and unlock it. I scroll through contacts, landing on his and clicking on it. Holding in a breath, I press the call button and hold the phone up to the side of my face.

I squeeze my eyes shut, crossing my fingers, grasping my bottom lip between my teeth. I wait as the phone rings once, twice.... then the ringing stops and the voice I've been missing the most fills my ears.

"Sweaheart?"

A/N: GRAY FCKING SON HAS MADE AN APPEARANCE ya I shouldn't be happy that was quite a sad chapter. But on a happier note, I love each one of you! Happy New Years! Comment your New Years resolutions!