cancer, egd

9.tank

It's been five days since the incident happened. They haven't allowed Ethan to come in, for I am too unstable to be speaking at an excessive amount. Just deep breathes and drug induced mood swings for me. I was informed that I will be getting a visit from my buddy today. So I purposely tried my very best to stay calm and stable, so he wouldn't be kicked out for another five days.

"Hey you." Ethan smiles, entering the room.

"Hey you." I smile back, my little heart rushing into a small flutter. I take a deep breath through my nose and calm my pulse rate.

"I heard what happened..." he takes a seat in his normal chair, but he doesn't prop his feet up on the bed. Instead, he presses his forearms to his legs, leaning down with his hands lightly clasped. "Do you want to talk about it?" He offers.

"I don't know." I shake my head and look down at my hands.

"That's fine, how are you feeling?" He asks, the seriousness of his voice concerns me. They must've told him something about my mood swings and all the drugs they are pushing.

"Well," I look up at the ceiling, deep breath in and out. "I feel fine." I nod. He looks at me for a minute. His narrowed eyes studying my face. I try to go blank, make myself unreadable, emotionless. It doesn't work.

"You're not fine," he says leaning his back to the chair again. "And you know what, that's okay. It's okay to feel pain, pain is what makes us human. Anyone who says they have a perfect life is lying. Everybody goes through a stressful time at some point and what most of society fails to realize is that it's completely fine to feel that way and talk about it." His words pour from his lips, his eyes seeming to be oceans deep.

"Fine..." I take another deep breath, I hold myself back from breaking down to pieces. "I'm not okay. I hurt, and I don't know what to do with my last months and to be completely honest.." I start to choke up, cursing the tear that now slips down my cheek. "I don't want to die Ethan. I want to live to get married, I want to have kids, I want to make my mom proud, I want to do something with my life." I cover my face with my hand and let myself melt down, for holding it in just seems to hurt more.

"Shhh." Ethan quiets me and wraps me in a warm hug. "Come here." He softly coos, holding my head to his chest with his comforting hand, the other wrapped around me, holding me close against his body.

"I don't know what to do Ethan!" I cry out, feeling helpless with my state of being.

"You know what you need, you need to be happy. With the situation you're in, you deserve all the happiness in the world." I sniffle and press my temple to his chest, smearing the tears from my face to his shirt.

"I don't know how to be happy when I can't leave this damn building." I squeeze my eyes shut, afraid that if I open them more tears will fall.

"I can try to fix that." He whispers. I pull back and look him in the eye.

"How would be able to do that?" I ask, doubtful.

"I'll talk to the doctors, they must have something that can allow you to go home. Even if it's just for a little." He claims, his lovely eyes hold the determination and hope that I greatly lack.

"I would give anything to get out of here." I admit. My voice sounds weaker than ever, my annoyance fuming from the shakes and changes in pitch.

"I would give anything to get you out of here. I know how much it means to you." He says with a small smile, I smile largely with my teeth.

"Thank you." I throw my body into his, wrapping my arms around the top of his shoulder, I laugh a bit and pull back cupping his face, a toothy smile spread across his lips, his hands on my hips. I pull his face in and kiss his forehead. "Thank you so much." I smile.