A/N short chapter-sorry
I could feel it. I could feel myself falling for him. When he hugged me and gently stroked the back of my head, I didn't want to let go of him. The sensation and warmth of his body made me feel as ease. It made me feel as if I was normal, and no longer dying.
I have come to terms with my death. I have handed out my goodbyes to my loved ones that I will never see again. But he makes me want to live. He makes me want to fight.
I lay in my bed hugging my pillow to my body, my face buried in the 'hospital' smelling sheets. Thinking about my death, the rest of my life, Ethan. The truly sad thing about my story is that no matter what I do, I will die because of the tumor in my lung. I will die rather painfully and I will most likely die alone.
But that's how I'm going to live the rest of my life out. I will lay in bed with my thoughts eating away at my brain. I will let my horrible mind get the best of me. I clench my fist and start to shake.
"But I don't want to die." I whisper into the bed. "I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die." I repeat and shake my head, my salt tears start to making the pillow cover wet. My breathing becomes heavy and the pain in my side starts to throb. I can't stop any of this. I can't stop the crying, the pain. "I DONT WANT TO FUCKING DIE!" I scream into the mattress, pounding my fists.
The pain gets worse and I start to cough, I taste copper on my breath. The pain start to get worse. The coughing turns into choking, I choke on my own thick blood. I roll over and sit up straight on my bed. I cover my mouth with my hand only to have it covered in blood in one cough. Light stings at my eyes and doctors start to grab me. Lay me down.
"No, no, stop." I faintly cough, because I don't want them to fix me. I don't want them to help, I want them to let me die right now. That's all I want, to close my eyes and think of every good memory I can dig up. But they won't do that. They can't just let me die.
My vision fades and I smile, hoping that the bright light that makes me squint is death, peacefully taking me. The hole process makes me feel like I'm in a movie. The light comes in, the noise fades out, and my life literally flashes before my eyes.
I see my mom, her brown hair is cut into a bob, her smile is wide and the brightest I've ever seen it. The bright rays of the sun behind her silhouettes the beautiful details of her face that I've grown to love.
Her laugh, her gorgeous laugh that I have always been jealous of, it fills my ears. She holds me in her arms. Little 3 year old Victoria, the happiest little girl.
Everything is hazy and I start to see more and more.
My dad, who never comes to see me because he blames my mother for doing this to me. But what I see isn't my sad, broken father. I see my real father. The man who loved me so very much. His bald head, his beard, his strong arms. He's laughing too. He's actually laughing.
I remember when he would do that. All I had to do was make my little face squeeze into some weird look and he would laugh with me. I made that face all the time. I made that face until my father was taken away from me. Nothing happened really, he just started to make more calls for work and all of a sudden that face was annoying. I was 5 when that happened.
The last thing I see go through my mind is the rest of my family and friends. But their faces go in a blur. My ears filled with their distant laughter, screams of joy, and the sweet, sweet sound of familiar voices.
Then bam. I'm not dead. I feel like I am, but I know I'm not. I know I'm not dead because I see the details of a ceiling I've studied way to hard. The familiar smell of plastic oxygen is jammed into my nose. I flutter my eyes open, feeling as if I can't move. My hair is up, for I don't feel the curtain of waves on my shoulders.
New needles have been put into my frail veins. I take a breath through my mouth, my lips unbearably chapped, my tongue feeling like sand paper. Someone jumps at my side, my mom.
"Oh baby!" She wraps me in a hug before I can process what's happening. Her arms quiver just as bad as her voice when she says, "I thought I lost you, I swear to god I thought I lost you." She cries.
"I'm here." I say. "I'm okay." I comfort her, the flashbacks of her smile and her laugh making me want to apologize for everything I've ever done to her, I want to apologize for every time I wanted to make her feel guilty. I want to apologize for how much of a hateful person I've been, but the fact that she never stopped loving me makes me do something crazy, I wrap my arms around her. I hold her tight in a warm embrace and have no intentions of letting go. "I love you." I whisper.
"I love you more." She demands with a faint laugh of relief.
"Not possible." I tear up and squeeze her tighter. "I'm so sor-"
"Nope, don't you dare apologize for anything." She shakes her head.
With her soft words, the world feels a little bit better.
A/N sorry this is EXTREMELY late, I've been caught up with some stuff with my life, but I PROMISE I'll be more active! Thank you for reading! Comment suggestions!
Love ya💜
YOU ARE READING
cancer, egd
Fanfiction"Wait, so why did you want to do this?" I ask. "Why not?" "I don't know." I look around the dull room. "It's boring." "The only the boring about this is the way you are currently thinking." He laughs, propping his legs up on my bed like he owns it...
