cancer, egd

35.i'm with you

"But, by god did I fall in love with you." I can almost see him through my drooping eyes, he is so close but so far away. He is out of reach. "I tried so hard to keep myself together, but before I knew it, I found myself staring for a bit too long. I found myself thinking about you, all the time. Your laugh, your smile, your voice, your eyes, you hands, your loving heart. I thought of it all and fell for every single detail." I can feel his grip tighten on my hand, but my hazy world blocks out the soft feel of his palms.

"When I came in for this damn job, I was so fucking broken. And I mean broken. I felt like everybody was either telling me that they were sorry or that I should get over myself. There was so much noise being pounded into my head. But you didn't know about that. You treated me exactly how I wanted to be treated, and I did the same right back because I knew that pity was the very last thing you wanted from me." As if I am connected to a tether, I feel myself drifting farther and farther. All I want to do is hear his voice and feel his touch.

"You know, you're that type of person that people will tell their grandchildren about some day. That spunky, bright person that made everybody's day better." He takes another shaking breath and I feel a tear run down my cheek through my closed eyes. "Victoria I will never stop loving you. I love so much that I would sometimes break down and cry over the fact that you found a way to love me too, broken parts and all. . ." He wipes the tear from my face with the pad of his thumb and the feel of his hand against my face, images start to flash through my mind. Images of of my childhood. My mom, my dad. Then my memories of Ethan start to play. Every beautiful moment we shared together, every time we laughed together. Every time we sang in the car together. Every time I felt his loving touch. I see it all and feel pure joy knowing that I spent an important part of my life with a person with a heart of gold. I spent hours upon hours with the love of my life, and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

"Vic, I will always be with you." He cries, his sobs now fill my ears, but through the blur, I imagine him laughing and smiling. I imagine him the way he should be, happy. "I will always love you Vic." I feel his lips against my forehead, then nothing.

I fade completely. I feel at peace. I am no longer in pain.

******
ETHAN

The heart monitor goes flat and I gasp. I take her head in my hands and press my forehead to hers as I cry uncontrollably. "no, no, no, no." I repeat over and over. "You can't leave me dammit! I don't have anything left! Please Vic! Please come back! You can't leave me like this!" I yell, begging for this to all just be a nightmare.

"But Vic I love you." I cry, my body starting to rock and tremble as my heart shatters. "Please Vic. I love you." My knees give out and I fall to the floor as the doctors and nurses enter the room and pull me out into the hallway. Once there, they rush inside and leaving me alone.

I stand and rush to the door, I scream into it furiously. They took my Vic away, my Vic is gone now because they couldn't fix the little part of her that was broken. I yell and thrash around, just as I did when I lost my dad. My heart aches and seems to stop working, as if there is no purpose for it to keep going. I pound my fists on the doors, earning a worried glance from one of the nurses inside. Desperately, I beg for the pain to go away, the cries that erupt from my throat sound inhuman. My cries turn into short intakes of breath and quiet sobs as all my rage turns to despair.

I slide down to the floor and hold my legs to my chest. My sniffles and quiet huffing bounces off the walls of the empty hallways. As I sit there in a pile of sorrow, I think of her. I think of my Vic, the beautiful girl that taught my how to love and live my life to the very fullest. Flashbacks run through my head, though this happens routinely, this one hurts. I am reminded of all my favorite things about her.

her smile and minty tasting breath.

her laugh and small giggles.

her touch and soft hands.

her silly jokes and goofiness

her lips and their soft feel when they met mine.

her scent, she always smelled like apples and vanilla.

her honesty about things that were hard to speak of.

her understanding and empathy.

her everything.

I drown in the deep pit of depression when I come to realize that she is gone. I held her hand as she passed, at least I was able to say goodbye. . . I look down to my hands, just minutes ago she was holding them. 12 hours ago, she laughed and kissed the back of my hand before she went into the hospital. But my precious Vic will never kiss the back of my hand again, she will never intertwine her fingers with mine, she will never laugh ever again.

my precious Vic is gone.

🥀but she was nothing but a distant memory to looked upon with a smile. . .

a/n: WHAT DID I JUST DO