cancer, egd

32.stay strong

My phone buzzes in my pocket. I pull it out to see my mom's contact upon the screen. I take a deep breath, I answer it and press it to my ear.

"Sweetie where are?" She questions. My torso rocks slightly, my rage building. I take another deep breath and look up to the corner of the room.

"I'm, uh, I-I'm at the hospital." I say, realization kicking me in the gut. I hear a faint gasp from her lips, I know she has her hand over her mouth. She loved Vic too.

"Do you want me there?" She asks, her voice holds a seriousness now.

"You don't have to be here. But I'm gonna stay for a while. I'll call you in an hour for an update." I suggest.

"Okay sweetheart." She says. I rock back and forth on my heels and look down to my feet.

"I'll talk to you then." I say.

"Alright, bye honey." She says before I hang up. I spin my body to face Vic and her father. I realize that I'm being selfish about my feelings and my pain. So I sit down in a chair that rests in the corner of the room. I listen to Richard's muffled words.

"I remember the first time I held you. You were screaming and crying but you were still the most beautiful I'd ever seen. You had dark hair even when you were that little, you eyes we are dark blue that seemed to change to a new color everyday before they eventually settled on a gorgeous light hazel." His words aren't meant for my ears, but I listen anyway. My body feels limp as I lean my head back against the chair.

Richard's words are cut short by Vic's bursts through the door. But it almost hurts to see her. Without a word she rushes to Vic and looks to Richard with terror.

"What happened? Is she okay?" She stumbles over her words.  I stand from my chair and press the button to call up the nurse, because no one here can answer those question, nor would they want to.

In a few short moments, a nurse is with us. She stands in front of us, her clip board in hand. "Hello, my name is Dr. Clare. I assume you called me up for an update on Victoria." She says with a slight nod.

"Yes." I answer her.

"Well now you see Victoria's surgery, though it was successful, did not actual cure her cancer. It slowed the growth of the tumor. So what happened was a tumor attacked her lung rapidly and burst before we even knew it was there. . . she is going to soon bleed out, but the process is going to be slow. If you have any further questions feel free to ask." She says.

"How long does she have?" I ask, before knowing what I'm saying. Silence fills the room as the nurse takes a deep breath. My heart already start to ache.

"Without any incidents, we assume she has a few days." She nods and my mouth gaps open slightly as everything seems to tumble. Everything I've been trying to hold together falls and crashes in one big explosion.

"Will she regain consciousness?" I ask, frantic.

"I am unsure but the chances are very likely." She nods, her eyes hold sympathy.

"Can she come home?" Richard asks.

"No, the machines that she is connected to right now are what is keeping her alive. Disconcerting them would result in a painful downfall for Victoria." She says, her voice calm.

I feel numb, I don't know how I should feel. But it hurts. I only have 'a few days' days left with the love of my life. 'A few' days to find the words to explain to her how my I truly love her.

"Call me up if any of you need anything." The nurse dismisses herself, Vic's mom cling to Richard, and I am left to cling to my last but of sanity as I sob uncontrollably into my hands.

I try to shut myself down, stop myself from feeling the dread and depression that is sure to come. So I think of everything we've done together. As the flashbacks roll I am given a small relief. A small bit of hope that she could still make it, even though she is headed straight for rock bottom.

I watched her face form into a smile, her teeth sparkling in the sun. Even with that cord around her face, she's still a beautiful human being. Her gorgeous brown hair dances in the wind, flowing like waves looking almost peaceful. Seeing her happy brings joy to my heart. I only wish I could keep her happy forever.

*

She immediately starts to dance as I laugh out loud, glad we are stopped at light. I watch as she goes through a jokingly seductive dance, the corner of her top lip raised as she syncs her lips to move perfectly to the lyrics. I am taken aback when she whips her head to the side to look at me and mouths 'It's just that no one makes me feel this way' as she runs her hands down the front of her body and my face burns up as I laugh her goofish behavior.

'Kick em to the chorus' we mouth at the same time before the light turns green, I drive off as Vic starts taking her shoes off. I laugh, confused by what she's trying to do. I glance from her to the road as she climbs into the back seat and starts to dance. And I mean dance.

Swinging her hips, laughing, whiping her hair around. I go hysterical as does she. I take a snap of her lip syncing and caption it 'that's my girlfriend. jealous? you should be @ grayson'. The song ends as we pull into Rita's and I park the car and turn around to look back at her. She's laying across the seat, smiling at me with those million dollar teeth.

"You ready Timberlake?" I joke. She giggles, resting a hand on her stomach.

*

"What flavor you gettin?" I ask her, deciding I'd just get a chocolate and vanilla custard with whipped cream and sprinkles, my usual.

"I don't know." As she smiles, she folds her fingers and puts them under her chin. She looks up to me, letting her hands fall and separate. "Maybe every single flavor of ice they have blended into one." She laughs. Once more, clapping her hands together to place them underneath chin. As I watch her bounce in bare feet upon the pavement, excited over her flavor of ice. I know that this very girl, with a smile that shines brighter than the fluorescents, is the one for me. Nothing has ever felt more right than her.

And the fact that I feel this way, standing in line for Rita's Italian Ice, is insane. It's funny how the smallest details can be the ones you treasure the most.

I know that I want to marry this brilliant girl someday, the thought of being with her forever makes me feel warm inside. Everything moves in slow motion when she laughs. I'm sure that someone asked me what her laugh sounds like, I could give them a 5 paged essay on the pitches and tones and another on how how her face lights up and the corners of her mouth pulls hard enough to form small dimples below her cheekbones.

*

I look down at my hands, still feeling lost. I see Vic's initials on my thumb and smile, tears still streaming down my face. I smile through the pain because I know she never liked to see me unhappy. I smile through the pain because that's what Vic would want.

you have to stay strong. . . for vic.

a/n : unedited because a person can only take to much torture