i'm pretty sure the depression is worsening because i've been contemplating death a lot more than usual recently and i don't mean to sound cliche or lame or whatever but like the only thing that's keeping me here is my friends, both online and irl because i don't want to make them feel bad or get worried if i just fucking catapult off the roof of some building
it's just getting a lot worse, i went to play minigolf today and like whenever we ended up by a fountain or "pond" or whatever i'd just space out, staring at it and trying not to just jump in.
crossing bridges gets scary, i'm not afraid of heights or anything it's just i'm just so tempted to just hop over the little fence like it's so easy just to jump and it scares me how much i want to just jump
jesus i'm just trembling right now at the thought
but honestly yeah it's just my bros and the small sliver of hope that things will get better, that i will actually have a fucking future and i'll achieve something with my pathetic life
i know it's unrealistic, and i know that with every single day it just becomes less and less likely,
but i still want to try to have just a little bit of optimism in my life
just a little hope
just something that gives me a reason not to leave
i keep trying and trying
even my therapist tells me i'm digging my own grave
but i want to get out
i want to leave
i want to be strong enough
but i'm not even strong enough to jump a fence how will i be able to live like this if can't do something that's so, so easy
