Cancer. It slowly kills you. It's treatments making your hair fall out, making your body tremble in pain. It is probably one of the worst thing that could happen to a person, both physically and emotionally.
But the worst thing about cancer isn't what it does to you, it's what is does to the people that you love. Cancer makes your mom cry herself to sleep every night. It makes your dad sob like he never has before.
So yes, cancer fucking sucks.
_____
"Hey babygirl, how are you doing?" My mom enters the room, her eyes searching the place as if there are hidden bombs ready to detonate at any given moment. The bouquet of flowers in the crook of her arm being squeezed to death by her trembling hands. She's scared, she should be. Besides, it was her wants that brought me to this state of disintegration.
Instead of responding to her shaking words, I glare. I know the guilt she feels is worse than any other, but no matter how hard I try I will never be able to smile at her again.
When she realizes she isn't going to receive an answer to her simple question, she drops the flowers on my side table where my books and candles that were given to me are perfectly placed. Even though I'm not allowed to light my candles and take in their beautiful scents yet, I make sure to slip off the uncomfortable tubes that wrap my face, and press my nose against the colorful wax before the doctors take it away from me and place it out of reach.
"Look I'm sorry." My mom breaks through my thinking with her sobs and tears that beg for pity. Yes, what she says is true. She is sorry that the crop she burned between her lips gave a home to a tumor in my left lung. She's sorry that I will most likely die in 8 months because she wouldn't just toss the damn thing out the window.
If all she was was sorry I wouldn't have my face pulled into a stone cold glare. No, maybe I would have pity. But she wasn't sorry about how never roll the windows down for me, how she would never put the small flame out even when I was coughing, no she only became sorry about that shit when we received the news that I have cancer.
So the sweet woman who raised me, cared for me, and adored me, now stands in front of me as my killer. All because of the damn sticks she's couldn't help but light. Her worn face drops to her thin hand and she walks out of the room, letting out withdrawn cries.
She closes the door behind her and I stare into it. My eyes seem to search for something, anything to tell me this is a dream that I will soon wake up from. I find my myself trembling, shaking uncontrollably, with the knowledge of knowing this is what the rest of my life is going to be like. There's no escaping this life. There isn't an off switch you can pull to wake up or even take a break. You're constantly reminded about how hopeless your situation is. If it isn't your crying parents, then it's the way you always have an arrangement of needles in your arm, or the way doctors look at you like you're on your death bed.
The bitch of a tumor ensures that I can't lose my breath, so no physical activity. I also can't get too sick and start coughing, they have me on medication to prevent all of this, but the meds make me drowsy. To sum my situation up into one thing, it's like my lungs are cups of china sitting at the edge of a table and the breathes I take in are a set of hands, each time I take a breath the hands push the cup a little closer to the edge. So eventually the hands will end up pushing the cups over, and in the end it's going to be the air I take into my lungs that will be my finish, my destruction.
I clench my jaw to stop my still quivering lip. I take a deep breath, but only to find that hurt my mood with the way my left side feels as if I've been punch. Every time I try to calm myself and get a grip, my mind spirals, falls into an oblivion of despair. And every time I try to stop the gradual falling, I can never manage to get myself to either sleep nor read. So I've resulted in teaching myself to shut down.
So when I hear my monitor go out of control with beeping, that's what I do. I shut down.
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Warning: This book may be a trigger to some, you don't have to read if you're not ready yet.
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cancer, egd
Fanfiction"Wait, so why did you want to do this?" I ask. "Why not?" "I don't know." I look around the dull room. "It's boring." "The only the boring about this is the way you are currently thinking." He laughs, propping his legs up on my bed like he owns it...
