Brave Enough To Love Again

Chapter 24

Eden

"Is this," he began pointing at himself and me, back and forth, "What exactly is this? Why does it feel like there are strings involved in this after all?"

My heart began to race at his words. Oh no! Please no! Don't do this! Don't end this, whatever it is that we have, not now that I have already fallen for you.

"Hmm, I mean. That came out wrong. Could we talk in private?" He asked and I just nodded. I could already hear my blood rushing in my ears, along with my accelerating heart beat. "Let's talk at your place," he continued before leading the way to our apartment building.

He wants to talk in my place so he can just leave after ending this, us. Because if we talked in his flat he would have to send me away after. No, no! Don't do this! Please!

I stared at his form, his back looked tensed and his shoulders were sagging as if in deep thought. He had looked exactly the same after he stopped kissing me that night at the beach. I knew that he was trying to make up his mind and to form sentences in his head of how to end this agreement with me as smoothly and as drama-free as possible, and my stomach clenched at what was soon to happen.

There was a pain in my chest that I couldn't get rid of even after massaging the spot. It must be my heart that's already hurting. A lump in my throat had also began to form and I just couldn't swallow it away. I was close to tears, I was afraid of losing him and I didn't know what to do to make it stop.

Every step that brought us closer to my place seemed to be heavier than the one before, as if my feet were being weighed down by something. It felt like my whole body was warning me, of an impending heartbreak that I wasn't ready to feel again. Nonetheless, the walk back to my apartment had gone by so quickly, my silent prayers to slow down the moments before I was to hear his words of goodbye were left unanswered.

He took the keys from my trembling hands when I struggled to open the door. I went ahead into the living room while he turned the keys in the lock. Standing in the middle of the room, rooted to the spot, I waited for him to say something. However, he just slowly walked past me, almost brushing my shoulder and looked out of my window down the street, staring but not seeing. He still hadn't found the right words to say.

There was an uncomfortable silence that seemed to choke me. I couldn't breath properly, my heart beat was erratic as I waited for his words. My stiff pose, my standing position that had every muscle of my body tensed was almost too painful to maintain, but I just couldn't move.

When he turned around after a few moments that felt like forever, I knew that the speech to break our agreement had finally been carefully formed into sentences in his head and was ready to be shared with me. He opened his mouth to speak, but I hurriedly interrupted him, "I'm really sorry for having put you in such an uncomfortable situation. I don't know what I was thinking, please forgive me." I knew I was begging but I couldn't help myself, I wanted to try everything to make him reconsider ending our togetherness.

I looked him pleadingly in his whiskey colored eyes, he shook his head and wanted to talk, but once again I cut him off, "I really like you, so much. Your presence has become so, so, so,...something I need and look forward to. I don't want to end what we have, what we agreed on." Moving closer to him and thereby finally giving my muscles the well deserved relief, I put a finger over his lips that he had opened again to talk, "Please, could we just pretend that the meeting with my parents never happened? That I didn't coerce you into pretending to be my boyfriend. I know what we agreed on. No strings attached. And there won't be any if one or both of us are not ready for anything more."