3TS: The Chances of Starting Again

No!

That feeling when the world is telling you it happened, but your heart can't believe it.

I was stunned. Stung. Stock-still.

I shook my head slowly, "No." I chuckled lightly, "He can't be gone. He can't be..." I couldn't bring myself to say the words.

Arlene's reply was full of sobbing, "H-He was sick...he needed-ed to go t-to the hospital..."

I remembered. He coughed up blood. He was feeling unwell. But he didn't rest. He had wanted to see me and-

"No." I said again, "No. No. No. No!" I clasped my temples as they started to throb. I felt like an instant pressure had come to my chest, and I couldn't breathe.

I had to get out. I had to get some air. I needed open space.

So I ran. I ran away. I ran...to find the truth of it all.

"Juan..." I said out of breath, as I saw him sitting by himself near the school entrance. "Is it true?"

When he turned his face to me, the emptiness in his face could tell me that it was. It was true. He was gone. Without saying a word, Juan covered his head with his hands. And that's when I knew.

"No...No...No!" I kept repeating over and over.

He can't be gone. He can't be...dead.

I had to go. I had to leave.

I ran outdoors. I ran and kept on running, hoping I could escape this dream.

No...this nightmare.

I shouted a loud as I came to the spot where no one would hear me. The field.

I turned around to look for a way to escape this. To take away the pressure I was feeling.

But all I saw were the bleachers. A place of memory. A memory of Trent.

Trent. Lunchtime. He went out into the rain to see me. He was sick, and he wanted to talk to me!

My body slowly moved downward. My legs no longer began to support me. My hands were holding my head, as if trying to stop the world from spinning.

"He's dead." I said to myself. As if I couldn't believe it. As if I had to convince myself that he wasn't alive and well. That he was really gone.

My eyes instantly filled with tears. And I cried silently.

He was gone. He was gone. He was gone.

The thought moved through my mind like an audio piece that never ended.

I felt like I wanted to curl up. I felt like I wanted to give up. I felt like I wanted to go back to sleep, hoping I would wake up.

Hoping I would wake up to a reality and see him smiling at me again.

The thought sent me back, making me remember the last conversation with him.

Crying...running away from your problems? Is that how to face them?

That sentence made me wipe away my tears. Made me heave myself up from the ground, and look to the future.

I pulled open my purse to reveal a white card within. The future-and past-was at stake here. And this time, I need to really set things right. Face my problems.

And that was to call up Ria.

**

Place a tear on this card.

That's what I read on the white card's contact number. So I wiped my cheeks with the card.

In an instant, I heard a roaring down the street.

With the sight of the familiar sunglasses, I ran. I cried. I hugged her. And I hugged her tight.

"Ria, he's..." I started, but I couldn't finish as my voice quivered.

"I know, girl. I know." She said, as she patted my hair.

For a moment, everything was still. Everything settled on the fact that Trent was gone. Dead.

But I couldn't let this moment pass. I couldn't let it settle like this. I had to make sure it would never settle in my mind.

I pulled away from her, "Ria, I have to go back. I have to make sure this doesn't happen."

She gazed at me steadily, saying nothing.

I tried to push on, "His parents are suffering from this...His friends...Me." I said, trying to reason with her. Trying to reason that she should break the rules...just this once.

She brushed my hair lightly, as she gazed past me, "I can't help you. Not this time. It won't work for you anymore."

"I made a mistake!" I shouted as I pushed away from her, "I made...mistakes." I whispered, realizing that all my plans for perfection never ended up happy.

It felt like the whole world was against me. It felt like the world was pressuring me. It felt like I was locked up tight, with no escape.

I inhaled. I exhaled. I fell to the ground, in tears.

My head was in Ria's lap. But all she could do was brush my hair as I cried and cried.

There was nothing to be done. Nothing, Journal, NOTHING. Not a single thing to bring Trent back.

I shuddered as I realized the one thing that could forever hold me in darkness. "He died because of me."

"No...it was-" She started to soothe, but I wouldn't take it.

"He died because of me!" I shouted, springing to my feet.

My heart pounded. My chest tightened. My soul wavered.

I remembered everything.

He was up at night trying to chat me. He was out in the rain looking after me. He had gone to the mall to talk to me. He sacrificed...for me.

"He died." I shook my head. I couldn't believe it.

Ria reached out her hand to me, but I took a step away. Then another. Then another.

My own arms circled around my shivering body as if to warm me. But I could only feel the cold wind at my back.

Shaking my head, I ran away. Watching the world blur around me as tears spilled like two small waterfalls.

I ran and kept running. I didn't stop until I entered my room and fell into my bed.

The throbbing of my head didn't stop, even if I put my pillow over my head.

The pain in my heart didn't soften even if I sobbed in my pillow a thousand times.

The thought of him gone would never go away from my head, because it was real.

It was a fact.

He was really gone.