3TS: The Chances of Starting Again

In My Dreams

Your heart beats fast before you think something big is about to be revealed. 

You know how I have been doing, Journal? Why I haven't been writing for five straight days?

I've been BORED. (I haven't felt excited for anything these past few days.) Sad. (That Trent hasn't been in school for five whole days.) Horrible. (That I made Trent sit in the hospital for five straight days. With a bandaged arm. With the mixed smells of the stench of disease and strong medicine.)

Arlene keeps looking at me like something's wrong with me, something's wrong with the relationship between me and school, or something's just wrong with my brain.

"Are you okay?" Arlene asked me for the hundredth time while we headed home.

"I'm," I paused in speech. Was I fine? Was I okay? Well, honestly, no. I exhaled and stopped at my door. "I'm fine."

The only reply that I could tell her.

Because...she could never understand what I was truly feeling.

"It was an accident." She said as she patted my shoulder gently. "Don't beat yourself up about it."

I turned back to her as I opened my door, putting on a fake smile, "I'm fine." I shakily said again. Before she could ask me anything else, I turned away and shut the door.

Through a small peephole, I watched longingly at Arlene. She stood there for a full minute, trying to gaze inside through the window. Then, she turned around and left.

I'm sorry, Arlene. I'm really sorry.

**

Here I am, Journal. In my bed. Looking out at the darkened sky and stars.

I was talking to Arlene a few minutes ago about my problem. I felt sorry for her, Journal. Too sorry for this topic to pass my best friend by.

"Why are you so silent? Did something else happen?" Arlene's sniffing could be heard every second she spoke through the phone. I knew that sniffing. The sign that she wasn't coming to school the next day.

I lay on my side, staring at a framed picture of myself. I looked so happy.

My mind was screaming at my feelings inside me. What happened to your life?!

I felt so saddened by the picture that I turned around to face the other side of my bed. The plain wall.

"Trent doesn't know me, Arlene!" I exhaled loudly. "That's what happened."

She chuckled, "Now you know how I feel for all the months I spent passing him in the hall."

"But he danc-" I was about to say that "he danced with you". But then I realize that he actually didn't. He doesn't even know we exist. In this cycle of time, he didn't.

"What?" Arlene's surprised voice snapped me back into the trouble at hand.

Arlene almost laughed, "Were you going to say he danced with you? Or he danced with me?"

I was silent. My heart pounded. 

Sometimes, I wish my best friend didn't know me that well. Like the time I was trying to hide that I didn't brush my teeth. And she actually gave me her toothbrush right in front of the whole class. But this was a bit different than that last time. 

Suddenly she laughed. Through the phone, her laugh tinkled like little bells.

"I guess he did." She laughed happily. Which ticked off alarms in my head.

Did she have powers to see through the paths of time or something?!

No, Krissa, that can't be possible.

She's your best friend! Maybe it is possible!

I sat up, attempting to use a soft voice (instead of a loud one, or else she would become suspicious), "You did?"

And then she sighed (dreamily-I could tell by her voice, journal) and said, "Only in my dreams."

I relaxed and lay back down on my bed.

So you see, journal? My conversation with her didn't help my hopeless situation at all. She was my best friend. And friends were supposed to help each other. Give comfort. Take away the pain that was making a girl feel like her world was sinking in a bunch of quicksand!

But could Arlene do that for me this time? Give comfort? Unfortunately-crying in my pillow-no.

After crying and other things (crying in my pillow, shouting in my pillow, curling up in my blankets, wiping away the tears, and staring up at the ceiling), I knew I couldn't go on like this forever.

My mind was finally focused on one positive thing.

I had to do something.

My alarm beeped. Signifying that my thoughts were correct. That maybe there was a chance for me to change my own fate. Without the shortcuts of time machines that whirl me back into the past.

Also signifying that it was time for school. A new day.