3TS: The Chances of Starting Again

That Feeling

Sept. 2 Stop. Please stop it all. 

I'm so odd. I feel fine and normal all the time, but when I'm around Juan, my normal is replaced with clumsiness. I get the same feeling when I'm around Trent, but Juan makes me feel different. I think, because Juan is a bully to me, Juan makes me feel like my whole body is made of jelly and that everything I do is a mistake.

I wish he would stop.

I wish I would stop feeling this way around him. Because it just makes the line between me and him larger.

For example, P.E was today. I was warming up when I spotted Juan and his friends. Arlene was in the single bathroom, and I promised to wait for her here.

So I was trapped.

Just before Juan could see me, I ducked around a ball rack full of basketballs and waited. Juan's group lingered right next to the rack, talking about a story of Juan and his girlfriend, so I was forced to hold my breath in this small space.

Then, my ears perked up at their conversation.

"Trent, so where's this mysterious girl of yours? I thought you told us she was a student here." A boy said.

Trent was there? How could I not have noticed him?

Oh yeah, probably because Juan's frame popped down the corridor.

He didn't see me. He shouldn't have seen me. My heart was pounding with my thoughts of Juan.

But what the other half of my heart was beating for was: Who is this "mysterious girl"?

I heard the sound of teasing before Trent spoke up, "Hey, that's a secret."

"But will we know her when you show us...the sign?" The same boy said.

My eyebrows raised and I leaned against the rack to hear them more clearly.

Juan interrupted with a whisper, "Wait, what sign?"

Trent cleared his throat and whispered, "Well...ok, it's like this-"

Journal, I don't know what overcame me. Yearning to hear his next few words, I leaned against the rack. I didn't know that the rack had wheels. And that the brakes were on. I didn't know that if I leaned against it, it would fall.

As it crashed down, with all the basketballs raining down on the other side, I didn't know that it would crash down on the only person who's back was turned and who couldn't see that it was falling.

I covered my head and froze. But as the loud noise settled down, I peeked through my fingers.

All the other boys had jumped away, paused, and ran out the door to call for help. All except Trent, who was moving away all the basketballs to help a tangled Juan.

Oh no, Juan. 

**

"Juan, are you okay?" I got up my courage to go near him. My heart was pounding, hoping that Juan wouldn't be too mad.

Trent was helping him up when Juan glared at me, "So it was you! What's your problem? Are you trying to kill me?!"

Okay, he was officially REALLY mad, Journal.

Juan tried to get into my face, but Trent came between us. I didn't see the rest of his friends. Maybe they had gone to get the nurse. "Juan, let's go. You have a cut on your back that's bleeding."

But Juan didn't back down as he pushed Trent to the side and glared at me, "See what you did there? Now I'm bleeding again, all because of-"

The nurse came in at that moment, fortunately. She asked a few questions to know how in the world Juan got a cut from a rack. And the whole time, Juan was glaring at me, saying that I had "accidentally" pushed the rack and a metal part was sharp as it came down on him.

When the nurse was finished speaking, she started to help Juan move to the door.

He turned to me, "What do you have to say for yourself?" He said, taunting me to go ahead and try to say it was an accident this time.

He didn't believe it was an accident. He thought I was trying to kill him.

My thoughts worried me. Stressed me. Pressured me.

I had to get out of here. I had to hide from all the eyes that were staring at me.

"I-" I started, but no words followed.

I looked at every person looking at me. When my gaze landed at Trent, I paused and then looked to the ground.

"I have to go." I said softly as I ran. Running out and into freedom. Free from stares. Free from worries. Free from Juan.

But the moment was only temporary.

**

The evening hadn't gone well. Arlene was shocked to hear my news, which made my stomach sicken even more.

Right after classes ended, I told Arlene that I felt sick and I would go home early without her. She still had to give some tutoring lessons to the younger students, so she just nodded and went ahead. She didn't even say anything. Like, "it's going to be okay." or "I'll talk to you later about it."

Journal, that wasn't the worst part. When I came to the front entrance, Juan and Trent were sitting there, probably waiting for the nurse to give him medicine or something. When Juan recognized me, he stood up and went inside. Of all the things that happened to him, he was probably too tired for anger. Or to bully me.

I just stood there as his shoulder pushed against me on his way in. Yup, he was still mad. My insides felt like they were sinking in never-ending quicksand.

But when I looked up at Trent, my insides dropped like heavy stones. I couldn't help myself. My tears started to well up in my eyes.

I had let him down. He told me to not to get bothered by Juan. But I was. And I still am. He knew that I had messed up once. And now I had messed up again.

My mouth quivered and I clutched my backpack straps tightly as I stood before Trent. Feeling like I wanted to say something. Feeling like I should do something. But I couldn't.

Trent glanced up at me, "What were you doing behind the basketball shelf?"

"I was waiting for Arlene, when you guys came. I got scared of...Juan, so I hid behind it."

Trent sighed and brushed at his hair. In those few seconds of silence, I didn't know what he was thinking, whether or not to (a) turn away silently, (b) get mad at me, or (c) just brush it off.

"Thrasts orkay." He was pretending to have food in his mouth. He was trying to poke that joke he made during the lunch we shared together. He was trying to help me stay positive.

So...he chose choice c, brush it off.

I smiled and sniffed.

He stood and I realized he was a few inches taller than me when he was closer. He smiled, "It was an accident. You're fine."

I frowned. I glanced up at him, "But Juan-"

"Juan will be okay. It was a small cut." He started to head into the school entrance. "Go home and get some rest. You had a long day."

I turned away from him, but inside I was shaking. I was causing trouble. Again.

I can't take it anymore, I have to correct this somehow.

Before anything worse happens. I gulped, I didn't want to even think of the worst that could happen.

Journal, if you could look into the future, please tell me that this won't happen again. That someone will be pulled into sadness because of me.

Please.