missing | gilinsky

56

Jack Gilinsky

I know exactly what she's doing because I used to do the same thing. 

First I did it to drugs, when they turned my dad into a beating machine. Then I did it to my mom, when I fought back as she took the hits, but she stood by while her two daughters and only son took them. Eventually I did it to my dad, when they finally took him away from us, sending my mother away as well.

It was stupid, to say the least. Although at the time I thought it would be the right thing. The easier thing. Except it wasn't, and it just ended up making things worse. 

I want to tell her that. Explain to her that I understand how she feels, what she's going through. I may have not known Sam for all that long, but I know how much he meant to the Johnson family, and that it makes me hurt just as bad to know I'm a part of the reason why he's not with them anymore. 

I don't even have to ask her. Because I know that's what she's thinking. And she has every right to think it. It's true. I'm the one who brought Justin and Nate into their innocent lives, and it should've been me who was punished for it - not Sam and the people who love him.

But just because I understand doesn't mean I like her choice. I don't want her to shut me out. I don't want things to change between us. However, it's inevitable, and I should've saw it coming. 

So as I sit on the hill above the football field staring down at the graduation ceremony, since I couldn't get a bleacher seat without a ticket, it hurts when they call her name, and hurts even more when she never ends up on stage to accept her diploma.  

Instead, they proceed to the next name, and the next, and the next. Until I'm standing all alone watching the janitors and school faculty members begin to clean up the mess that was leftover. 

My eyes scan over the half empty field for Hannah as I slump my way down the hill. I spot her talking to her parents, a bright smile on her face, and try not to look too excited when I call her name. Her smile breaks at the sight of me, and she lifts up her hand up for a little wave, then continues her conversation. 

I stop dead in my tracks, aware that she doesn't want to see me, be near me even. My eyebrows pull together, and I can't help but feel hurt. I clench my jaw and spin around on my heel, heading towards the parking lot with my hands stuffed deep in my pockets. 

The last time I talked to anyone was yesterday morning at the hospital, before they pulled the plug on Sammy. They weren't fine then, I mean, none of us were. But now it's like the apocalypse just happened, and it's as if I'm the one who caused it. 

Maybe I was the one who caused it. 

Throwing my car door open, I angrily hop in the drivers seat and slam my fists into the steering wheel. "Fuck!" I scream out, this time banging my forehead against the wheel.

Everything had been going so good. Johnson was happier, Hannah was having a good time with Sam. Sam was alive and well. Nadia and I were good, we were better than good. And then Justin and Nate had to come along and fuck everything up. 

It's what they're best at. 

Apparently it's what I'm best at too. 

Taking a deep breath I start my car and drive out onto the open road, not knowing exactly what to do or where to go. Without Nadia, Johnson, and Hannah I literally have nothing left here. I'm starting to think just what was the point? 

I was better off staying in New York. There's a possibility Sam would still be alive if I thought with my head instead of my heart. 

Nadia's right to distance herself from me, and Hannah's on the right track too. I'm not sure how Johnson feels but it's probably not too far off from what his sister's thinking. If I stay I'll most likely make things worse than they already are.