missing | gilinsky

55

Jack Johnson

"They released me this morning due to insufficient evidence or some shit, around the same time they declared you brain dead," I say to Sam, staring at the tubes that are shoved down his throat and up his nose. "I had to spend the whole night in jail for no reason...but I'm sure you've had a shittier turn of events huh?" 

I know he can't hear me. One of his doctors - Marley? Melody? Whatever her name was, she explained to me what being brain dead meant. She said they did a bunch of tests and that he passed them. The first time Sam actually passed a test he was meant to fail. 

So yeah, I'm basically talking to a wall. Maybe if I came in last night I would've been able to say a proper goodbye, but the guards at the station were having none of that.

I'm not sure how all this medical stuff works. I don't understand how someone can be not brain dead one day then brain dead the other. I mean, isn't that what the life support was for? To support his body to keep working - brain and all? 

"I, uh..." Not knowing what to say, I pry my eyes away from his body, and focus on the marble floor. "They're talking about pulling the plug. None of it makes any sense to me, and I'm probably a dick to say this, but I'm glad I'm not the one who has to make that decision." 

Taking a deep breath I look back up at him and let my eyes fill with tears. I've been crying so much lately, and honestly I couldn't care less if I'm acting like a baby. My fucking best friend is dead, right in front of me. And it fucking hurts. 

My body racks back and forth as I let silence cries break through me. I lean against his bed on my elbows, burying my head in my arms. "Fuck," I hiss into my tear-soaked arm. "It should've been me. Why wasn't it me?" 

I let it slip out because I know he can't hear me, so he won't get mad. 

When one of the guards told me about Sam last night that's all I could think about. Was that it should've been me at prom with Hannah. It should've been me who was where Sam was standing. It should've been me who ended up brain dead in a bad smelling hospital. 

I was so mad I cursed one of them out to let me go and visit him, and I guess he felt bad and that's why he didn't get me in trouble for it, but he still didn't let me leave. Not that he had a choice, I know he was just doing his job. But still. Sam was like a brother. He was my brother. And now he's not. Because he's not anything at all. He's dead. 

Just like Dad. 

It should've been me. Both times it should've been me. 

"I don't even know what to fucking say," I tell him, bringing my head up. 

"You don't have to say anything."

I don't bother turning to see who said that to me. Instead, I ignore them. The person walks further into the room and onto the other side of Sam's bed. He's tall and he's wearing a white lab coat. I guess it's his other doctor. 

"Are you ready?" He asks me. 

I furrow my eyebrows and let my eyes find his. "For what?" 

"We made our decision." 

I turn around to see Sam's family outside the door, Nadia, Gilinsky, and Mom standing beside them. All of the breath inside me flies away, and I feel like I'm about to pass out. 

"What decision?" Although I know exactly what decision they're talking about. 

"It's time to let go," Lori squeaks out, tears sliding down her cheeks. "He deserves more than a life hooked up to a machine."