missing | gilinsky

40

Nadia

    I have no idea what I'm doing. 

When I first asked Gilinsky if he wanted to talk it was just an impulse decision. He was staring out the window at the field where I should've been looking too, I just couldn't help but check him out a bit. Our hands were intertwined and the feeling of the moment made me feel something unfamiliar.

The longer I looked at him the tighter my chest started to feel. All these memories started to surface from the first time I met him to right now, and it took everything in my power not to kiss him right there. 

He's come to mean so much to me in the so little time we've known each other.

I can't stop myself from thinking of everything I've been through over the passed year of my life and all of that coming to now. 

My brother's here and he's safe, Gilinsky's here and he's as attractive as ever. Hannah's here, just like I know she always will be.

Sammy and Mom are waiting back at home for us, to hear what happened on the trip. They're hoping my brother will be by my side as well, so they can catch up and ask him what the hell he's been doing this whole time. Although he hasn't even one-hundred percent told us what he's been doing, but that's beside the point.

I'd like to think that I know where my life is going to go after today ends. But I don't. I really have no idea. 

Deep down inside I know that Jack isn't going to come back to Omaha with Hannah and me, and I have no idea if Gilinsky is going to come back either. As much as I don't want to think about that right now, I can't help the thoughts that are clouding my head. 

So that's why I had to pull him out of there, and that's what I was planning on talking to him about. I had a whole speech planned out in my head that I thought of all in the 60 seconds I waited for him to follow me out of the room. 

I was going to confront him about what we were, and what we were doing with whatever was going on between us. Should I even call it a relationship? All we do is talk and touch and every once in a while kiss. But we've gotten so good at hiding it that it almost feels as if it's not even there anymore.

 I was going to talk to him about Jack and see if he knew what today was really all about. I know my brother didn't only bring us here all because he wanted to have a good time, in a way I felt it was him saying goodbye.

I was going to make sure we let each other know where we stood, and if we were ever going to tell Jack about it. The pit of my stomach disagreed with that, a nauseating wave of nervousness washing over me. Because truth is, I kind of didn't want to know the answer to that. 

What if Gilinsky admitted to not even liking me? What if he wanted to end things right here because he was never going to see me again after this trip is over? What if he admits that he was pretending to like me the whole time for the sake of us becoming friends to find Jack? 

Gilinsky was something I really didn't except to come my way. I was always focused on my brother. Where he was, what he was doing, if he was still alive. When I first met Gilinsky my brother was the first person I though about.

Now things are different. The feelings I've grown towards this stupid boy are so much more than what they've been. So much more than what they were. And that scares me, because what if he doesn't feel what I do? 

All these thoughts raced through my mind in the minute that I was waiting. So yeah, I did have a plan.

But all that went to shit the second I saw his face.