missing | gilinsky

52

Jack Johnson

My whole body aches.

Willing my eyes to open, I roll onto my back and look around the room. I have no idea where I am. Then there's a shift next to me and I remember. 

Mallory Thompson. 

Fuck. 

"Mmmmm," she groans, throwing the covers off herself. I flinch and quickly look away, seeing that she's naked. 

I peak under the covers and confirm my suspicion that I am also naked. 

Fuck again.

"Everything okay?" She tugs gently on my arm, and a chill rakes down my back. Her hands are soft, just like they used to be. 

"No." I don't care enough to lie. This girl right here has seen me at my worst and still wanted me. I was the one who let her go. I wasn't going to pretend like I was better off. 

"I love you," she whispers. 

My heart breaks, because deep down I know I love her too, but I can't say it. I can't admit it. Not with everything that's going on right now. Especially everything that I've started feeling for Hannah. I need to move on from all of this, I just wish it was easier.  

"I'm sorry," is all I can think to say.

"For what?" 

"For being me."

I let my eyes find hers. She's sad. It's enough to make me want to be sad too, but I try my best not to be. I hold it back, because how is being sad going to fix anything? It's just going to make things worse for everyone. I shouldn't have come to this stupid party. Look where it's gotten me. 

I shouldn't have come back to Omaha. 

I shouldn't have been left Omaha in the first place.

"I'm glad you're you."

I shake my head, scoffing back a laugh. "Why?" 

"Because you made me believe again, and I wanted to do the same for you."

Pursing my lips, I unlock our eyes and focus my attention on the dresser across from me. When Mallory and I first started dating she was this scared and broken little girl. As time went on she changed into this beautiful, confident, and fun-loving person who I thought I'd be with forever. 

Then Dad died and all my strength washed away and it was over. I was finished being her muse, and I needed to find something new. That's when I got more into the drugs and alcohol than I ever was before. That's when I started losing my friends and gaining a bad name around town. That's when everyone - well, almost everyone, gave up on me. 

I always praise Sam for being the only one who stood by me, but really Mallory stayed too. I just did my best to keep her out. She tried to follow me into my new life, getting into all the shit I got into. I'm half the reason she lives off of weed now, and I can't help but feel guilty for it.

So as we lay side by side, tears brimming my eyes, I know there's no escaping this. I thought I could run away from all my problems. I thought I could fix them by forgetting but really they'll always be here with me. 

That's why last night I finally gave in, and let Mallory have what she wanted. Because I wanted it too, just not for the same reason. 

But now it's over, and the gratefulness for her I was feeling isn't there anymore. I'm going to leave her again and it's going to burn just as bad as it did the first time I broke her heart. Little does she know it's going to burn mine just as bad.