Stuck On You [Lesbian]

Chapter 14

Raine called a cab and sped over to Quin's house, her eyebrows drew together with worry. The cab pulled into a small driveway in a neighborhood littered with rows of brick houses that all looked the same, Raine thanked and paid the driver. She shut the car door and quickly sprinted up to the porch of one of the units in the row of suburban-style townhouses. Raine knocked on the glass of the large double doors rapidly.

The door swung open and Raine saw her best friend in a state of defeat. The first thing she noticed was the gash of dried blood on his forehead. In his most comfortable over sized t-shirt and pajamas, Quin's cheeks were stained with tears and his back curled over as if his shoulders were too heavy to hold up. He inhaled through his mouth and then exhaled in the form of a sigh as he looked up at Raine with droopy pink eyelids.

Quin shut the door behind her after she stepped in. Raine's immediate response was to wrap her arms around him tight and melt into his chest to let him know she was there. As her head came into contact with against his chest, he pulled back with a hiss of pain through clenched teeth.

Raine's eyes darted from his chest up to the hardwood stairway on her left and back to his chest.

"Did someone hurt you?" Raine said quietly as she observed the broken glass on the ground and coats littered on the ground by the closet.

Quin rubbed the side of his face and shook his head. He didn't need to say any more for Raine to know that he had been the one who made the cut along his head. Sometimes Quin would get so mad at himself that he would smash his head against hard surfaces.

Quin led them through the hallway, past the kitchen, and into the cozy living room. They sat cross-legged from each other between the fireplace and coffee table as usual. Since they were kids, Raine would run away to Quin's home, where they'd sit by the fireplace and pretend they were band mates.

"What happened?" Raine asked quietly.

Quin took a deep breath and said with a quivering voice, "I-I freaked out."

His palm was over the side of his jaw as his index finger drove up and down his stubble. Raine waited patiently for him to continue.

"I was being stupid the other day. I was scoping all day because it was a really slow day at work," he said as he crossed his free arm over his stomach.

Raine knew exactly what he was referring to. When Quin fully let her into his world, Raine learned of the words he used when he referred to pulling at his hair.

Scoping was his way of telling her that about how he chose the hair he'd pull. He'd feel its thickness and texture, and then he'd twist it between his fingertips. Once he honed in on a specific hair, he would look at how dark the hair was, and then he would put it through the final test of tension. He'd pull to test how far he could pull on it. Eventually the hair and its root would come out. He'd observe the root, sometimes even touch it to his lip to feel the coldness of the root's gel-like tip and then place it on a white napkin to see the contrast of the dark on white. It was like a ritual that he partook in and he lost himself in repeating the ritual over and over again. That was his trance state. It was like slipping into a subconscious mindset where he was trapped.

Raine reached out and brushed his hand away from his patchy stubble, "It's okay Quin, it was just one hard day. You've had hard days before."

Quin looked down, pressed his lips tight against themselves, and shook his head.

Finally he said in a low raspy voice, "A week ago I was wearing a v-neck and when I went to the washroom, I saw a really dark curly chest hair and I h-had to get it."

Quin's chin trembled and then his whole body followed suit. Raine held onto his hand with both of hers.

It sounded as if the words were being choked out of Quin when said, "Th-then I got the rest too," and continued, his voice stuffed full of angst, "I'm so stupid."

Quin bursted out in a loud sob. His entire back seemed to curl with his breath. He pulled his hand away and he held onto his chest like it hurt to be alive.

Raine placed her hand over his knee and rubbed it gently, "It's okay Quin, it's not your fault."

"It is my fault," he said quietly and then continued between sniffles, "I'm so stupid! My chest hurts... and my neck is always sore... I get ingrown hairs everywhere that get infected... I have craters in my face... I did this to myself! I'm a stupid freak." First my eyelashes, then my eyebrows and then my hair. Now my chest hair.

While Raine could never imagine having trichotillomania, or any other body-focused repetitive behaviour for that matter, she had witnessed all the turmoil it had caused Quin. From the bullying to the weird stares, it was no wonder Quin sometimes had issues with being out in public.

"No," she whispered and then took a deep breath and said, "They're the freaks. You... are the strongest, most beautiful person I know."

"I couldn't stop," he growled with strain wrapped around his voice.

"That's okay," Raine said.

Quin shook his head again as he wiped his eyes, "It's not. People look at me and they think I have cancer. Kids stare at me and they think I'm a freak show. And all I want to do is stay inside."

Personally, Raine thought that his lack of eyelashes made him look extra adorable. His bright blue eyes were highlighted as a result of having nothing in their way. They looked more pure. Even his boyfriend thought so. Sometimes Raine would remind Quin that his shaved head just made him look smarter with the little bits around the side.

Raine offered him a weak smile, "It's okay to feel that way and it's totally cool if you want to stay inside some days to get a break from the bullshit. But you shouldn't forget that you went out on those dates with Jimmy even when you were afraid that he was going to judge you; you traveled downtown in herds full of people while you were scared shitless to get to your counselor; you went through your support program and got help; you scored a job where you're the first person people see; and you even have some hair growing from your beard. That is strength Quin. You are a survivor."

Quin sighed. She always makes me feel better.

"Try not to be so hard on yourself, hmm?" Raine tilted her head and then nodded, "Turn around, I'm going to give you a massage."

Quin turned around and Raine shifted closer on her knees. Raine used to give him rubs all the time - especially after a bad day of pulling his head hair. She slowly kneaded her fingers over the back of his stiff neck.

Tears continued to stream down Quin's face. Quin didn't want to tell Jimmy about his chest, so he had been avoiding Jimmy's sexual advances like the plague.

Quin knew that as much as Jimmy loved Quin, he was getting depleted from coming home to find their place completely trashed and then feeling like he had to offer emotional support. The last thing Quin wanted was to have Jimmy to think that he wasn't trying to get better. But deep down, he feared what Jimmy would think of him when Jimmy saw his chest. After all, his hairy chest was something that Jimmy really loved and now it was covered with pink bumps from the ingrown hairs.

The same itchy ingrown hairs prompted him to dig them out with tweezers, leaving open wounds. He was constantly at war with himself. He had to fight off the urges as they came in random waves and that left him mentally exhausted.

Quin's face tightened from the deep massage and then said quietly, "I don't know how to tell Jimmy. I think he knows that something's up because I don't feel like having sex with him... but I just don't feel good about myself so I can't get in the mood..."

They stayed in comfortable silence until Raine spoke, "Of course, it's only natural. Can you think of some specific things that you can do to help yourself with the urges in this new spot?"

"I guess I can try to use a few things I learned from the group... might as well talk to my therapist about how to tell Jimmy too," he said as he chewed on his short nails.

"That's a good idea," Raine smiled and continued to work her hands, "After this, how about I make us some hot chocolate and we pick something to watch on Netflix?"

Quin turned his head, and smiled, "I'd love that." I don't know what I'd do without you.

I was really excited to write this chapter because I finally get to focus a bit on Quin. I wrote him for the people reading this book who can relate to him or know someone like him. You are not alone. Are there things about Quin that you want to know more about?