missing | gilinsky

44

Hannah laughs. "As if a bathroom door can conceal their voices." 

I shrug. "It's the thought that counts. Now hurry before Nate comes back and tries to get you to suck his dick." 

Jack Johnson

I know what Nadia's thinking. That since I'm going back to Omaha I'll be there for good, and it kinda makes me feel like a jackass. 

"Listen...don't get too excited," I start, zipping up my bag. I'm done packing but since I rather be doing something than standing still while talking to my sister about this, I grab Jack's shit and start packing it. 

"What do you mean don't get excited?" She questions, dropping a sweatshirt back where she found it. Oh, God, here we go. 

"Just, yeah I'm coming back with you, but who knows for how long..."

"I know for how long," she insists. "For as long as you're out of college and jobless and unstable."

I can't help but scoff. "I'm anything but unstable right now, Nadie. If you don't remember I got us all tickets to the baseball game yesterday and also bought us all tickets to Omaha and I'm in the process of getting them moved to tickets for today - that shit is not easy."

"I don't mean money wise, and I don't even wanna know where you're getting all that from. I mean mentally."

"Who says I'm mentally unstable?"

"You've gotta be kidding me." She laughs. "Ever since Dad died-"

"Don't start with that shit," I warn her, interjecting before she can say anymore. 

"You haven't talked about it since it happened, Jack, why can't you stop holding back for one second?" 

"I'm not talking about this with you. That's in the past."

"Why not though? We're family, we're supposed to be able to have a civil conversation about this. It may have happened a few months ago but that doesn't mean it's stopped effecting you." Tears swarm in Nadia's eyes and I have to fight so hard to suppress all the pain that's building up inside of me.

"Now's not the time."

"No time is ever the time, Jack! I've been dealing with this by myself since the accident! So has Mom! She never wants to talk about it with me either and I just can't take this anymore! I feel so alone I just wish he was still here!" She sobs. "I miss him so much!"

I choke back my own sob, tears free falling down my cheeks. Fuck. "I'm sorry, Nadia! I'm so fucking sorry that some drunken idiot had to kill Dad, and I'm sorry that I hate talking about it and that Mom hates talking about it because every time it's mentioned we have to relive it! It hurts too fucking much, Nadia, I'm not strong enough for this."

"Don't you dare say you're not strong enough," she belts, her cries racking throughout her whole body. "You're one of the strongest people I know next to Mom, we've gone through so much if we weren't strong we wouldn't be here right now. You don't have to be strong to talk about him - to remember him. You just have to be willing." 

"I'm not willing, that's the thing! You have to understand that, please," I beg, rubbing my face with my hands. I don't want my sister to have to see me like this. I'm a fucking mess.

"I get it, alright? I know how much it hurts. I feel that pain every morning when I wake up and remember he won't be at my graduation. He won't be there when I'm getting ready for prom. He will never walk me down the aisle at my wedding, we'll never have our father and daughter dance," she sobs again, the veins in her neck popping out. 

"Why do you want to put yourself through that? I just want to forget? Why don't you want to forget?" I ask, my face filling with blood. I can only imagine how red I am. I try my best to control my tears but I don't think anything has ever been as hard as this. I take a deep breath, hiccuping as I do. 

"I don't want to forget, Jack," she whispers. I watch as she falls on the bed beside her. "I'm scared to forget."

"Why?" I slowly walk towards her, our eyes locking. She looks so hurt. And I know exactly the pain she's in right now and I wish somehow I could make everything bad in this world go away so for one second we could feel nothing but bliss. 

"I'm starting to forget him," she sniffles. "I don't want to forget him, I'm so scared, Jacky." My lips tremble hearing her use the nickname she used to call me when we were little. Then I realize that I'm scared too. And instead of running straight into my fears like Nadia's doing, I'm running away from them. 

"You're never going to forget him, Nadie. I'm never going to - Mom's never going to. He's always going to be there, you don't have to worry."

Without a word, she sits up in the bed and wraps me in her arms. I hug her tight and squeeze my eyes shut. 

As much as I hate to admit this, I needed that conversation, and I know Nadia needed it too. In the end, all we needed was each other, and I can't help but be mad at myself for leaving my family during the time they needed me the most. 

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okay I actually cried while writing that lmao, but anyway thanks for reading I really appreciate it. 

I hope you liked it and feel free to comment and vote!! chapter 45 will be up whenever I get a chance, thanks for your patience. 

- gilinskyshigh