What She's Made Of (Castle)

We Don't Live Our Lives On Paper

I wanted to throw up, but with nothing in my stomach, it just became hyperventilation.  No, no, no!  This isn't real.  I do NOT have a tumor.  "No!  I-I feel fine!" I persisted.  I started t get up to prove I was okay.  "Liv, sweetie, no." Kate said as she forced me to sit back down.  She looked like she was trying to hold in tears of her own.  I never, ever, saw this coming.  I had cancer.  How bad was it?  Could it be removed?  Would I have to go through chemo?  I swallowed and nearly cried.  Beckett on the other hand...that was a different story.

She was pretending that she was okay, but with the look in her eyes...as soon as she was alone or just with me, she would be bawling her eyes out.  There have been maybe two or three occasions in the past, almost year, where Kate let me see her cry.  Even those few times she tried to keep me away from her so she could have her moment.  I had talked to Javi about it before.  He said he saw her cry a few times and it was big. 

Kate was talking with the doctor and for the most part was keeping her eyes shut and taking deep breaths.  When the doctor left, I cried.  "How the fuck is this fair?!" I cried.  "Liv, baby, this isn't fair.  I know it isn't.  You don't deserve this, but your strong enough to over come it." she said, ready to cry.  Then, as I cried into her chest, I heard her crying over my shoulder.  "How do we tell them?" I asked.  "I'm not sure." she said as she hugged me tighter.

I guess now is when we're telling them, because all of them walked into my room at the same time.  "What's wrong?" was Rick's first reaction.  "I'll tell him." Kate said.  I nodded and turned over so I wouldn't have to face them.  On my side so I didn't hurt my left lung.  I guess she told them cause I heard gasps and shaky breathing.  "No offense, but can you guys go away for a little while?  I just wanna take this all in." I said, not looking over at them.  "Okay." I heard them say.  Castle was the last to leave.  "Love you Olivia." he said.  "Love you too Castle." I choked.

When I heard my door be closed, I cried.  Probably for the better part of twenty minutes.  I can't believe this, I feel fine!  A brain tumor?  How long was it there?  How long did I have to live?  This was all information I wish I was told earlier.  I had to make sure I didn't hyperventilate and pass out.  I squeezed my eyes shut and prayed that this was all a dream.  But with my luck, it was reality.

I was gripping my arms so hard, that when I removed them there were red marks.  I was weak.  I was useless.  There was almost no point in wanting to live.  Almost.  There was my family.  The people who loved me and that I loved.  I couldn't just give up on them.  Speaking of which, I should probably talk to them about this.  I wasn't sure if it was safe for me to get up, so I texted Castle.  'You can come in now if you want to.' I sent.  Within the minute my door opened.  His eyes were noticeably bloodshot.  Crying.

"Hey Liv." he said when he came in.  Just him.  I was semi-thankful for that.  "Hey Castle." I said as I cleared my throat.  He sat down on the edge of my bed and took my hand in his.  I bit my lip as I leaned my head on his shoulder.  After a few minutes I asked, "This isn't a book is it?  This is real." I looked up at him for the answer.  "I didn't want to admit it either." he told me.  "Why me Rick?  Why am I, like, on everyone's hit list?  Did I ever do something so wrong, that there is a reason God hates me and wants me to die?!" I demanded, now becoming furious.

"Liv.  You can't blame anyone for this.  It's just how fate plays out." he told me.  I shuddered and shakily leaned against him for emotional support.  I almost laughed as I thought of something that felt somewhat idiotic at the moment.  "What's going on in that blonde head of yours?" he asked as he looked at me.  "Nothing, it's just...when I was a little girl, drawing my life out with a box of crayons, I imagined that my life would be 100% perfect." I said and actually did chuckle a bit.  "What did you think your life was gonna be like?" he asked.  I thought about it for a minute and then answered.

"I was gonna meet someone in high school.  High School Sweethearts.  We'd never fight, go to the same college together.  I'd get a degree in elementary school teaching, and he'd become a music teacher.  We'd get married in July at the Crowne Plaza.  By that time my mother would have had another baby, a girl, and she would be my flower girl.  Our Chocolate Lab, Gunner, would be the ring-bearer.  We'd honey-moon in the Bahamas.  Two years later, I'd be pregnant and give birth to twins.  A boy and a girl: Ethan and Gracie.  We'd all live happily ever after." I concluded.

I felt the tears roll down my face as I retold that memory.  I had drawn a book of how my life would be.  It was mostly scribbly pictures but I knew what it was.  It was my perfect dream world.  I never thought this would happen.  Then again I was only five.  "How did I get all of this Castle?  This was never part of the plan." I asked him.  "Well, let me ask you this.  Do you like this story?" he said.  I wasn't sure how to answer that.  "I-I...I don't know.  I know that I am blessed to have met you guys and to have a family like this." I answered.

"Well then that's all that matters.  Olivia, we don't live our lives on paper.  It's okay if the plan doesn't go as scheduled.  I didn't plan for you or any of them in my life.  Would I trade it for the plan I had in my head?  Not in a million years." he told me.  I smiled weakly and leaned into him.  He wrapped his arms around me and all I could think of was how different the plan in my head was, from reality.  Would I trade my plan for my reality?

Never in a million years.