Never Giving Up...

Chapter 12: Breathe Without You

I walk into the hospital room, it was quiet except for the machines beeping with every breath she took. It sounded more like wheezing than breathing. But I didn't care, she depended on these machines.. I depended on these machines. 

I sigh to myself as I listened to the distant conversations of the nurses in the hallway, You're distracting yourself she would say to me if she could speak, if those tubes weren't down her throat and she was conscious and healthy; you're avoiding the elephant in the room again.

I am. I am avoiding this huge elephant in this quiet room filled with machines that are the life line for a girl that has not lived a full life. I'm avoiding it because I don't want it to be this way. 

I sit down on the chair that is placed beside her bed, "I thought you would at least be conscious." 

I hear laughter come from the nurses as their conversation continues, "This is just plain silly of me, but I heard you when I was unconscious... maybe you can hear me too." I was hoping for some sort of miracle I would never get, "We all know where you're heading.. but we are trying to avoid it still you know? You're parents are talking about the future and what colleges you hope to apply too.. well what colleges they hope you will apply too. But college is years from now and I know it's some form of distraction of their dying daughter." 

"They want to believe that their is this huge miracle that will cure the cancer that took over your body and you will go home live a normal life like you never had this disaster in your life. But life is not fair..." 

I sigh to myself as I lean back on the chair, "Here I am rambling on to my dying best friend. My only friend that I had in my life and I'm suppose to be okay with it. But I'm not. I know we promised when we were younger that if you died of cancer that I can't be mad but I am sorry because I am angry." 

I held back the tears, "I am angry that God chooses the most randomest people to get cancer, I'm mad that after all my prayers he hasn't done anything. And I am angry that you are okay with dying and leaving me alone.. You don't get to just leave me here alone. You can't. So you do what you have to do in there to come back and fight this fucking cancer because I need you here. Please... For everyone out here.. It's a lot to ask for but it's the truth.. I love you too much for you too die." 

I stand up and walk to the doorway, "Please don't die on me.. I know you have some strength in you." 

I leave the room and say my goodbyes to her parents as I make my way to Austin. 

"You okay?" He asks with a empathic smile as I nod. 

"Let's just go home." I say as I walk outside. 

We get in the car, it was silent for the most of it until he broke the silence, "What do you say we have a disney marathon? Get our minds off some crap for a while?" He asks as he looks over at me while the stoplight was red 

I nod, "Sounds fine with me." 

After twenty minutes we finally reach the house, "Go ahead and choose the movie while I make the popcorn." Austin says as he walks inside the house behind me

"Alright." I say as I make my way towards the T.V. I look through all the disney movies Austin has. Let's just say that we can have a two month marathon. I may be overreacting but it's kind of true. 

I heard the pops of the popcorn in the microwave as I placed the movie Lilo & Stitch into the DVD player. 

I sit on the couch as I cover myself with a blanket, Austin sits next to me and places the bowl full of popcorn between us, "Lilo & Stitch! Love this movie!" 

"I know." I say in a dull voice. 

"You okay, kiddo?" Austin says as he pauses the video. I stare at the T.V. and nod as I take a piece of popcorn, "I know you are going through a tough time right now wit-" 

"Can we please just watch the movie?" I ask as I reach for the remote but he sighs and presses play. 

We watched the movie, well I watched some of it, my mind was somewhere else in god knows where. 

the movie was about to finish when the phone rang, I jumped, "Did it scare you?" Austin asks as he gets up to get the phone. 

"Yeah." I say; he looks at the phone and sighs as he answers it he walks away to a different room. 

'This is my family.

I found it all on my own. It's little and broken...but still good.'I sigh to myself and turn off the DVD player letting cable come on. 

A few minutes later Austin comes back in the room, "I turned off the movie it was depressing me." I say as I pick up the popcorn bowl and place it on the coffee table. Austin doesn't say anything, "Look I'm sorry I was rude when the movie was starting I just don't know how to talk about my feelings." 

"It's Caroline..." He whispered as he placed the phone back; I looked at him as he sat down, "Umm.." He took in a deep breathe as the tears threatened to come out, "She uh.. They were gonna take her into surgery hoping to.. to take out a tumor and maybe it would give her more time." 

"Well that's great! Maybe they can actually give the chemo time to work now." 

He shook his head, "She never made it to surgery because she stopped breathing.. She just didn't breathe anymore so they tried to revive her but it was no use.. I'm so sorry, hon.. I know how much she meant to you." 

"That's not funny." I say to him as I stand up as he looks at me, "Death isn't funny, Austin! It isn't something you joke around about! What kind of sick joke is this?" 

"I'm not joking around" He quietly said. 

"I thought since you know how it is to loose a loved one you would have some respect with this subject but I was wrong! You don't joke around about someone dying like that!" He stands up and reaches out to hug me but I back away, "She's not dead." I felt my heart actually ache in my chest as the words came out of my mouth. 

"I would never joke around like that, sweetie. You know that... I am telling you the truth.. She died in her sleep. She just stopped breathing." 

It was as the world stopped turning, the words kept replaying in my head, all the things I said to her; from what I could have said and what I did say. I had no tears to shed, I guess it was from shock. 

"She's dead?" I asked as Austin nodded his head. 

"I'm so sorry." 

"At least she died peacefully right?" I say to him as I tried to smile, "Now let's get back to binge watching disney movie-" 

"Hon, I think we shoul-" 

"I'm okay!" I sigh, "I just need to distract myself... please." he nods as I walk over to the DVD player and put in a different movie, "Is Frozen okay?" I ask 

"Yeah it's fine." He says as he tried to form a smile with the tears forming in his eyes. 

I wanted to shriek out in cries and sob while Austin comforted me but my body just did not react that way.