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In the beginning, she scared me, quite a lot actually,and in more ways than one. She had all kinds of rage, pain, and sadness in her eyes. She was almost war incarnate. I never thought that she really knew what to do with all of it. She had dark hair, wore a lot of black, and knew no boundaries. Carmilla Karnstein was damn near limitless.
She wasn't often kind and she wasn't often all there it seemed. She was beautiful in the saddest of ways. I believe it to have been then that she began to love me. I do believe that the vampiress had loved me truly. I know for a fact that I had loved her. It was a beautiful love in its own way, all encompassing and all consuming. Carmilla Karnstein had been wounded by love once before. We both had worried that maybe we would end up hurting one another we both had worried that maybe we would end up hurting one another. We both had worried that maybe we would both end up not being worth it to one another. We were nearly right.
In the middle, we were happy for just a little bit. Then arrived the intruders to shake things up. In our running from safe and peaceful bubble to safe and peaceful hidey-hole we had never had the opportunity to find the faults inherent to our having to be together. There was such a difference to needing someone to being able to be with one another. Our differences formed an immutable barrier between us that neither of us could leap.
I could barely manage to keep the pieces of my broken world from floating away, much less my broken heart, my broken mind, my broken relationship, or the pieces of my broken friends. Everything had flown away and nothing would stay within my reach. I had precious little to hold onto and to that i clung with what little was left of my strength, taking risk after risk after risk. Nothing was ever at all what it seemed to be. Not the alley cats, not my friends, suddenly even my firm and solid rock seemed to be shifting and fading away as well and I felt what was left of myself begin to fade away.
At the end of that most recent crisis we began to rebuild the pieces of the school and ourselves. My alley cat and I began to put who we were back together. We both knew that we needed to know who we were before we could discover who we could be together. Some parts of both of us were now irreparably broken. I had lost parts of myself now that I could probably never recover. Carmilla had been missing parts of herself for decades and maybe even centuries that she was only just now rediscovering.
We put our own selves back together before returning to the other. The alley cat had centuries worths of patience and the burning behind her eyes was certainly enough to spur me on. Her heart and my heart spurred one another on and on. She made me happy and I made her better, I could hope, though sometimes now, I still wondered about how good I really was. I hoped to be able to make her happy one day as well. Love doesn't have to meant the same thing to everyone. Almost is one of the saddest of words It took me a long time to be able to grasp the hidden meanings upon meanings deep within those words.
Beginnings. Middles. Ends. We have had the longest of MIddles, the most dramatic of all Beginnings. No one has had quite the same story as the pair of us. A naive provincial girl, all too tightly wound and a centuries old vampire, powerful and strong but equally gentle with all of the potential for love that any one human could ask for. She was a true diamond in the rough. She chose me to be love. She chose me to protect. Even when I felt like I was going to crumble into a pile of dust of the most human dust, that was there in the back of my mind always, always waiting on me. It was like home, with her. Always her.
