Change Is Yesterday.

Chapter 5: The Secret Life.

~EDITED.

CONNIE'S P.O.V

"Rise and shine sleepy!" A strong cockney slur sounded in my ear. I started. It was the Kristal girl, she laughed at my startled and sleepy expression. 

"Breakfast time Connie." She smiled and walked into the kitchen. She seemed nice enough, maybe my fears had been irrational after all and living here wouldn't be so bad. 

I sat up and rubbed my eyes. What was I supposed to do now? Everybody started to file in and I was just lost. Sian plopped herself on the couch next to me with a friendly grin.

"Hey snoring Dora!" She winked at my horrified expression. Alex had always teased me for my snoring but I always thought he exaggerated... "We need to sort out your Uni transfer today. Are you going to London Met like us?" Her smile was so radiant that I couldn't physically not smile back. But I still couldn't help be cautious. University already? If I transferred that meant I was really staying here. It meant I had really run away.

"Connie? Are you okay?" I nodded, embarrassed that I hadn't answered her because I was too busy day-dreaming.

"Not a morning person then are we? I'll get Kristal to bring over your breakfast when she's cooked it." She giggled and got up to go and socialise with her friends. Friends she could actually have a human and two-sided conversation with. Turning back round, I just stared at the floor, not entirely sure what to do with myself. Feeling completely lost, a tear escaped my closed eyes in an attempt to hold them back. I felt like I belonged no-where; I was too normal for Alex's world and I wasn't normal enough for this world. 

My thoughts were cut short by Polly sitting next to me on the couch. She put her hand on my knee and asked me if I was okay. I lifted my head up and stared at her hand on my knee. I missed this. Comforting human contact from someone who seemed to genuinely care. I forced a smile and looked up at her before she felt self-concious at my staring.

"Yeah." I answered, not really sure what else to say. Polly seemed lovely, really kind and genuine; like she would actually do anything for you, no matter how little she may know you. But she still couldn't be trusted- no-one could. This was the life I chose, I had to keep to the rules.

She smiled at me, she knew I was lost, I could tell it was plastered right across my face. Why did my emotions have to be so obvious? That had always been my problem. The problem that caused this heartbreak that was still threatening to engulf me even further and leave me void.

"I know what to do. You can have some breakfast and then we'll go and sort out your Uni transfer with Sian and then do some shopping, yeah? So you can really settle then." She beamed a proud smile, her eyes were still worried. How sweet was that? She didn't know me and she was already willing to give up her day to help me feel better.

I just nodded, it's all I could manage. If I started to talk, I had no idea what would come out. Tears, vomit, anger? It was anyone's guess. As she got up she shouted to Kristal to make an extra egg for me.

Then I heard that note. That note that used to fill me with so much happiness and sparked a tear of joy in me. The way the introduction flowed so beautifully and used to make my heart sing. Now it haunted me, reminded me of who I used to be, the life I used to have.

I swivelled round to see Katie walking away from the iPod docking station. The iPod docking station that was blasting out Remembering Sunday. The song that was written for me, that promised me a lifetime of happiness with Alex. That future that he destroyed and took away from me.

I couldn't stay here and listen to it. I had to go. Leaping up, I startled everyone and they were all staring at me, waiting for me to explain myself. But I couldn't, I just had to get out of here. So, I picked up my car keys and ran for the door, loudly shutting it behind me. The fresh air offered the potential to clear my mind and I breathed in as much as I could as I ran out the block of flats.

My car was there, no damage, just the way I'd left it. That James guy must have brought it here like Sian said. Once inside, the privacy triggered my wild sobs. I wasn't over him. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself; I loved him and that was it. I'd never thought love was actually a real emotion, just a pretty myth to comfort people, before I started to feel something for Alex that couldn't be described with 'like'.

My Mother died when I was young, so I never saw the love between my parents. But, as I grew up, looking at the way my Father acted, made me question whether he had ever loved my Mother. It was hard having never seen love for yourself, or ever being in the presence of it. I didn't even believe my own Father loved me, he never saw me and I was left on my own in England, because even my brother followed him to Hollywood. They'd always chased fame, but I was never bothered. In fact, my Father was quite successful in getting it. He was an actor when he met my Mum, not very well-known but he was good.

It was only when he moved back to America, five months after my Mother died, that his career really took off. He started a band with his brother and a friend and things took off from there. The reason I know this? I heard his song on the radio a couple of years ago. The hype that surrounded him soon followed and I was met with fangirls everywhere I went. Thankfully no-one ever knew I was related to him, but I was still creepy to have girls your age talking about how they'd 'love to shag' your Dad.

A couple of months before my Mother died, Alex and his family left too. After the death of Alex's brother Thomas, the Gaskarths wanted a fresh start in Baltimore. So by September 1997, to all intents and purposes, I was an orphan.

So, for me, it was always hard to believe in love because I'd never had any.

But Alex had changed that for me, only to break the heart that had never really been whole before him.

                                                                        **********************

I remember the day I saw him after ten long years so vividly. He was nineteen and I was seventeen and him and the band were in the UK for a holiday after their tour. The band had been getting very popular overseas and they'd been stressed out, so they took some chill-out time. I was living in Manchester at this time and had been for nine years now. I'd managed to live with Josh and his parents for eight and a half of those years, my Dad had arranged it- apparently. 

Josh and I were out shopping and so were they. And we bumped into them in Starbucks. I had to do a double-take because I didn't recognise Alex at first. It was Josh who noticed them. I remember his face to this day, it was pure shock, I honestly believe Josh had never expected to see Alex again. So I'd looked in the direction he was staring and screamed when I realised who it was.

"Connie?! Is that you?"

"Oh my God! Yes! Alex!" I ran over and gave him a hug.

He invited us both over and we all talked for ages. Well, it was pretty much just me and Alex that talked, we had a lot to catch up on. Josh and the rest of the guys had actually left and we didn't even notice at first, because we were slowly but surely, falling in love.

                                                                 **********************

I sat in my car pathetically sobbing at the memories of how my life used to be. Sure it was hard with Alex touring all the time and not actually living in England, but we somehow made it work. So, I never questioned it. I had to pull myself together and stop breaking down at the slightest of reminders of him. It was ridiculous, so why couldn't I do it?

I stopped crying suddenly when my phone started to ring. I'd changed the tone, luckily, but it still made me panic. I looked to see who it was.

Alex.

I just stared at it. Could I give into my weakness and revive my secret life? Or should I stay on the healthier path I'd chosen? The phone decided for me and stopped ringing; I'd missed his call. All I could think of then was all the possibilities that could have made him ring, my mind settling on the one that he wanted me back. I scoffed at my useless hope, but I couldn't help it.

Whilst staring at my phone, not sure if I wanted him to ring back, I heard a knock on my window. Pulled from my reverie, I looked to see Polly and Sian stood outside, gesturing for me to open the door. I let them in and they just stared at me for a moment before ordering, in unison, for me to, "Spill."

Here went nothing...