missing | gilinsky

23

Jack

Having my arm around Nadia's waist made me nervous, but not for the same reason that I was nervous before. It makes me feel better about the whole Justin and Johnson situation, so I keep it there until we get to Nate's car. I let her go so I can slide into the passenger seat.

The car moves in place as Hannah and Nadia get settled in the back. Before they're even buckled Nate pulls the car out of the parking lot, merging onto the street. I rub my hand over my mouth, thinking of all the ways this could possibly go. 

We'll be at Johnny's in less than seven minutes but I'm not sure if that's enough time. Not sure? Fuck that, I know that's not enough time. I let my knee bop up and down endlessly the closer we get. I pray that Nate stops driving so fast. Taking a peek at my watch I see that it's 8:59. We're going to be five minutes late but I don't even care. I wish we were going to be a day late.

"Calm down," Nate says, making a swift turn. He doesn't crack any stupid jokes or say anything mean like he usually does when I'm acting like a pussy. I'm grateful for that. I try to listen to Nate's advice and ball my hands into a fist, my knuckles turning white. "We're close."

I know it's not silent. I can hear the hum of the car and Hannah and Nadia whispering in the backseats. I can hear Nate humming to himself and I can hear all the cars speeding around us. I know there's sound but for some reason I'm blocking all that out. All I notice is this random ringing sound in my ears, everything seems to be going in slow motion. Fuck, am I having an anxiety attack? I can't be that nervous. Am I that nervous? I've never had an anxiety attack before. What's it supposed to feel like? Fuck, I can't breathe. 

"Jack?" Nate's talking to me but I don't mind him. I lean forward, taking in short breaths, trying to calm down. It's not working. "Jack, buddy, dude, calm down. Everything's going to be fine."

"I need to get out!" I practically scream. I'm hyperventilating now and I'm dizzy. I feel like crying. Shit. I can't cry right now, especially not in front of Nate, Hannah, and Nadia. What's wrong with me?

"Jack, what's going on?" Nadia sounds worried. Her voice breaks my heart. She's scared for me. I'm scared too. I hold in my breath to see if that works, but the second I let it out I can't seem to find enough air to fill my lungs.

"Pull over!" I say, in between breaths. I have no idea how close we are to Johnny's but I don't even want to think about that right now. I grip my chest. I'm so uncomfortable right now. It's so fucking hot in this car! I'm sweating like a bitch. "Nate, pull over right fucking now!" I shout, breathing the hardest I've ever breathed in my whole life. My heart feels like it's about to explode.

"Okay, okay!" Nate screams back, swerving to the side of the road. A couple of cars honk at him, I want to kill whoever's in those cars. Fuck you! I push open the passenger side door and fall out onto the concrete. I crawl up onto the sidewalk and sit on my knees, covering my face in my hands. Now that I'm not moving and I'm safe on the ground my breathing slows down a bit, but I'm still shaking.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit," I mutter to myself. I start to rock back and forth, it makes me feel better. I squeeze my eyes tight, not allowing any tears to leak out onto my cheeks.

"Jack?" Nadia's voice is so soft. She sounds so beautiful. I take a deep breath and slide out from under my knees, sitting on my ass. I slowly uncover my face and open my eyes, taking another deep breath. I can finally breathe. It feels so good, but not good enough for me to gain the courage to look her in the eyes. I look like shit.

"I don't know," I croak, my throat sore. I didn't realize how nervous I actually was for Nadia and Hannah to meet Justin. For them to see Johnson. I couldn't comprehend how nervous not knowing what was going to happen, what the future was going to be like made me. I feel like a complete loser. I'm still shaking a bit and my breaths are coming in ragged, although way slower than before.

"That's fine," she says, her voice still low. She sits next to me and puts her hand in mine. I finally look up at her. I swallow hard. Her eyes are shining but they're filled with worry. She smiling but she looks sad. I squeeze her hand tight and stare at her for a couple more seconds before looking down at our hands. I don't ever wanna lose this moment. I want to freeze time and stay like this forever but I know that's not an option.

She deserves to see Johnson. Fuck Justin and fuck me. I can't be selfish like this. I can't take this opportunity away from her. She needs to see her brother and if that means never speaking to me again when she does then that's fine with me. Well, not really but I'm trying my hardest here. 

"Jack, you good, bro?" Nate asks. He's standing at the front of his car, looking confused. I almost laugh. I'm confused as hell too, man. 

I nod, getting ready to stand up. Nadia moves her hand from out of mine and grips onto my forearm, standing up before me, helping me up. God dammit I don't wanna lose her already.

"How far?" I inquire, trying to memorize the feeling of Nadia's warm skin on mine.

"Just down the block," he cautions. 

I nod my head again, licking my lip. "Let's go then." Nate furrows his eyebrows at me, as if he thinks I'm not being serious. "I'm fine now," I assure him, letting Nadia walk me to the passenger side of his car. I give her once last look, throwing a grateful smile her way. She smiles back and I want to kiss her. I want to kiss her so unbelievably bad but I don't. I cant. Instead, I hop back in Nate's car and make sure to keep my breathing steady as he drives. 

I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. I repeat that sentence to myself as we reach the sign for Johnny's. It only takes a couple of seconds to find a parking spot. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. Nate shuts off the car, everyone's getting out but me. Fuck. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this, I can-

"You can do this," Nadia says, throwing open the passenger door. She sticks out her hand and I immediately take it, letting her pull me out onto the sidewalk. "You can do this," she says again, smiling up at me. Her fucking smile, goddammit I'm in love. 

"I can do this," I repeat. Nate and Hannah stare as Nadia leads me into the bar. I close my eyes for a quick moment and for the last time remind myself, I can do this.

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hey guys!! I really enjoyed writing this chapter bc i think you guys finally got how much jack's really putting on the line here, and how much he cares about both Johnson and Nadia, and how bad he wants to protect Nadia and Hannah from Justin. It only gets more serious from here so stay tuned! Chapter 24 comin' soon, feel free to vote and comment if you life

- gilinskyshigh