I Only Knew to Run (a Demi Lovato fanfic)

Honesty at it's finest

Val's POV:

 Camila lead me into the room. "Demi..." I said, then glanced at Dianna. "I need to talk to you both..."

Camila squeezed my hand. "Do you want me to go or stay?"

I squeezed her hand back, "Stay, please."

Dianna and Demi were sitting on two chairs close to the terrace and Camila and I plopped down opposite to them on the bed. 

"I... I haven't exactly been forthcoming on what I'm going through... and I need to talk to you both about it." I started nervously as I played with my fingers and stared at the floor.

"You can tell us anything," Dianna said. "We're here for you and we only want the best for you."

I looked up at her. Her eyes looked sincere but I still felt a surge of anger and betrayal looking at her, I tried to shove it down.

"What's going on, Val?" Demi said. "Talk to us."

I looked at Camila. "I can't," I whispered.

Camila took that as permission to explain. "Val has been... Val has been drinking and using drugs, she never stopped. She's been engaging in self harm and she's been feeling really alone. Lauren and I caught her drinking today and we felt it was best to come to you." Camila squeezed my hand again. "Val feels hopeless, but I think deep down she wants to get better. She wants to be better." She turned to me. "And I hope you want that for yourself, not just for us."

I opened my mouth, then closed it again. And after a minute I was able to speak. "I just don't know how to stop. I don't even know if it's possible for me. Alcohol just calms down everything in my brain. It makes things slow and steady and all wavy. When I'm by myself, I just feel like ripping off my skin. The voices in my head are so loud and I don't know how to quiet them except by doing these things... I was afraid to come to you because I don't want you to be disappointed in me. And I also don't want you to give up on me. I guess when it really comes down to it, I'm afraid of being all alone again."

Demi got up and came to the foot of the bed where I sat with Camila. She plopped down on the other side of me and enveloped me in a tight hug. "Val... Mom is right, you can tell us anything. Nothing you say is going to make us love you any less. Nothing you can say will turn us away from you. Ever since you came into our lives, we've just wanted to love you. And we can help you. I've been through this before and I remember how isolating it felt. But you're not in this alone, no matter what you think. I'm here, mom's here, Camila and Lauren are here. Maddie's here and so is Eddie. You have a whole team of people who just want to love on you."

I noticed tears slowly escaping my eyes and falling down my cheek. It felt like an enormous weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe I wasn't in this alone.

"How did you stop?" I turned to Demi.

"I got help, and I finally accepted help. I went to treatment-"

"But I don't want to go to treatment," I said, suddenly scared. "I'll do anything, I'll even go to therapy but please don't take me away from you all."

Demi glanced at Dianna. "That's something we'll have to figure out as a family. But we don't have to decide anything today. It's your birthday and we still want to celebrate. Maybe we can decide what to do tomorrow."

"Good," I said relieved. I know it was just delaying the inevitable but at least I still had today to spend with family and with the girls.

Dianna surprised me by speaking next. "Val, I hope you know that I want what's best for you too. You are my child and I should've never let you go, no matter what the circumstances were at the time. I thought I was doing what was best for you, given the terrible thing going on at the time. But I think I was wrong, and I'm so sorry, I hope you can forgive me. You're in our lives now and I will do everything and anything to make it up to you."

I was silent for a couple minutes. "I know," I said. "I know... and I love you. It's just going to take time for me to trust anyone."

"It's okay, we have time." She said. And then she got up and gave me a hug. I felt myself leaning in to her embrace. Mom. I have a mom. It felt so foreign to me but also good. I let myself exist in that moment, even if was just for a couple minutes.

"Can Camila and I go now?" I asked, wanting some time alone to talk to her. Demi turned to Dianna. 

"Sure," Dianna said. "Just be back in an hour. Demi only has a couple days off tour and we want to spend some time together, and we still have your celebration dinner tonight."

My heart sank. The one thing Camila and I didn't mention was my struggle with food. I wasn't even sure if Camila had known, we never had talked about it. Maybe it was a silent struggle I could keep to myself.

Camila and I got off the bed, I hugged Demi one more time. "I'll be back in an hour," I smiled into her eyes.

"Okay, sis." She said.

Camila and I went back to the room she was sharing with Lauren. We told her everything that happened. 

"I'm proud of you, Val." Lauren said. "Admitting it is the first step. Now we just have to take the next ones in the right direction. And we're all here for you. We all want to see what's best for you. And I know I haven't exactly been straight either, you and I can do this together."

"Together," I smiled and took her hand in mine. I wasn't in this alone and maybe I never have to be alone again.

----

After talking for half an hour with Lauren, Camila made up some excuse for us to get out of the room just the two of us. When the door closed to the room she shared with Lauren, Camila checked the hallway to see if anyone was in it. No one was in sight.

She grasped me and tugged slightly on my hair as she enveloped me into a passionate kiss. "I'm-so-proud-of-you" she said in between little tiny kisses. I didn't respond but kissed her harder. They were desperate kisses, as if I hadn't seen her in a long time. And maybe I haven't, not in this light. Not in the same sense of hope.

She tugged slightly on my shirt. "Camila..." I half laughed. "We can't do this here."

"I know," she said in between another kiss. "But it doesn't mean I don't want to."

At that moment we heard a door open and split apart immediately. It was Dinah. "Hey girls, what are you doing out here?" 

Camila flushed bright red. "Nothing, nothing. Just... we were going to get some coffee from downstairs...?" She said questioning herself.

I laughed. She was so cute when she was flustered. "Dinah, why don't you come with us? I think we could all use a little caffeine. I just have to be back up to my room in fifteen minutes."

The three of us went downstairs, Dinah first, Camila second, and me last in line. I playfully smacked Camila's butt knowing she couldn't say anything in front of Dinah. She quickly looked back at me with a smirk that I returned.

We got our coffees and chit chatted for a little. "Alright, I have to go back up to my room. But I'll see you both later for dinner?"

"Yes, girl!" Dinah cheered. "It's your big day!"

I laughed. "Hmm.. Maybe something like that," I joked.

And with that I walked back up to the elevator, a little nervous of what was waiting for me when it was just Demi, Dianna and me alone.