Heart Attack (a HeartStopper story)

Charlie. Guilt.

"THEN?" Charlie and Karina shouted.

"IT SCARED ME!... not only feeling so much but also carrying such a huge responsibility as his affection and trust. I DON'T KNOW!." Matias turned to cover the pillow with his hands. "How do I know I'm not going to freak out when Nick, Charlie and Ben hang out? How do I know I'm not going to hurt him... or him me?"

"Those are risks you have to take, and boundaries you have to make clear. The answer isn't to run, it's to talk it out." Charlie stated.

"I TRIED" the pillow had returned to Matias' face.

"That filthy goodbye note isn't trying any fucking thing Mat, and you know it." When Mat let his teary eyes show behind the pillow Karina could finally understand the depth of it... Matias never cried, least of all for a boy. That was reserved for Charlie... and now for Ben apparently. "Okay... sorry Mat, I know it's confusing and weird and sometimes you do things in self-defense. Sorry for being so harsh... what would I know about relationships besides, I don't have them and I'm not interested in them." Karina took his hand and Mat smiled at her, "We just...want to understand, for Ben, but mostly for you."

"What was the last thing you two talked about?" asked Charlie, having a suspicion as to why Mat had reacted so fearfully.

"I...I told him I liked him. Very much. It just... came out" Mat's tears began to stream down his face.

"And what did he say?" Charlie understood.

"Nothing...he couldn't answer me. It...it...it tore me apart."

"Do you think that's why you got so scared and left?" Charlie finally understood.

"I think that's what triggered it...but the fear was always there. I know Ben really likes me... or at least he liked me, or... I don't know. But not hearing it from him...mixed with so many insecurities at the party. Feeling him so obsessed with you guys. I don't know... it didn't really feel like a choice for us. I didn't feel like he was there out of true affection, but more of a process of elimination. When he didn't respond to me I felted... a little used. Like a consolation prize, like he said we were."

"I understand Mat," Karina said, afraid to say more and ruin it. "But you realize that..."

"By leaving him like that... I used him, and surely he now feels, and rightfully so, like a consolation prize."

Charlie and Karina nodded slowly.

"I don't know. This isn't justification. I know I screwed up. I know that if I was so doubtful and so scared I should have stayed and talked to him... but I don't know, something in me was hoping he'd looked for me... and he didn't."

"I guess you can't blame him for that Mat, you asked him for time." Charlie held his hand.

"Yeah... I guess you're right." Matias sobbed.

"What would you like to do now?" he continued.

"For now... I'm not ready to face it." Matias retracted his legs in front of his chest. Holding their hands but hiding his face on his knees.

"It's okay... you have the right. But I do believe that if you have the desire to get him back. To explain all this to him and ask for forgiveness... it has to be soon." Karina added.

"The more time passes the more opportunity you give him to feel used and abandoned." Charlie said.

Matias nodded as he cried. "Do you know how he is?" Matias stared at her, pleading.

Charlie was paralyzed by his question, and immediately sought Karina's gaze.

"He hasn't said anything to me..." began Karina. "I haven't been able to see him either. I've been texting him and he said that he's fine and that he'll explain soon."