Heart Attack (a HeartStopper story)

Nick. A Step back.

Song recommendation for the chapter: Paradise - Carmondy.
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Nick hadn't realized he had fallen asleep the whole way. He dreamt of confusing things, where a blue beach swallowed the yellow sand. It was a recurring dream, where either the immense waves washed away the sand, leaving behind a flood, or they retreated, leaving a desert in they're pad. Part of him wished it would happen.

He waited a few more minutes and soon he was at the station in his old town, and the weight of those 5 years seemed, in some way, to both worsen and improve. Much had changed, things had moved around, but everything was strangely the same. He got off the train, being careful not to leave anything behind, and quickly found his mother, who greeted him with open arms and beautiful white flowers.

"Mom¡, you didn't have to," he said, taking the flowers and hugging her tightly. They had seen each other recently in London, but Nick hadn't formally visited home in a long time.

"I wanted to, it's not every day my boy returns home after so long."

"That just made me feel even older."

"You're just a baby, Nicky, calm down." Together, they walked through the station. Sara insisted on helping with his luggage, but luckily, he was able to carry everything without needing assistance. They moved slowly on their way to the car, discussing all the things that needed to be sorted out for the move.

"You'll have to make a good selection of what you need when you return to London. I know it's a year away, but we'll have to leave the house before then."

"Speaking of that, I was thinking of finding a place to stay on my own after we sell the house and you settle into your new apartment."

"Of course, dear. I assumed that would happen. I'll have to enjoy your company these months, but I understand that you need your space. Will Imogen come with you at that time?"

He hadn't even remembered to tell her that he had already arrived. Seconds into this new stage of their lives, and he was already messing everything up. He quickly took out his phone and filled her chat with reassuring messages, but he received no response, so he stopped trying.

"I'm not sure. She'll come on some weekends, but I don't think she'll be able to stay."

"What a shame. You'll find the right time eventually."

When they arrived at the car, his mother handed him the keys, and she began to update him on changes and new constructions in the town as Nick drove through the center. Both Thruman and Highs seemed to grow and grow, with more students and professors each semester. New shops, old businesses closing. People moving far away and new people arriving.

"Ah, and there's the new cultural center near the roundabout park, Darcy and Tara's project. It's beautiful, Nicky, with so many things to do. A wonderful project. I go there whenever I can. I've run into all your friends there several times... they all asked about you, and it made me sad to think that, well..."

"That I wasn't here." Nick appreciated the façade of the center as they waited at a stoplight. Posters and bookshelves filled the windows, and an LGBTQ flag waved high above the door. It filled him with joy to see the space, but at the same time, he felt immense guilt for not having visited sooner and not having helped with its construction.

He could fix that. He could make up for lost time.

"Yes. But they're sure to be very excited to see you, dear. Will you see them this afternoon?"

"Yes, after having lunch with you, I'll go straight to the center to see Tara and Darcy."

"How wonderful."

"Mom, in the times you've visited... have you seen..."

"Charlie? Yes, many times. I wasn't sure whether to tell you or not, I'm sorry, Nicky."

"No, no, I understand. Don't worry... How is he?"

She looked at him with doubt and curiosity. "You haven't asked about him in a long time."

"Lately, it's been harder than usual to talk about him... how is he?"

"Quite well, I think. We haven't talked much. He doesn't seem to want to, which makes me sad, but I understand. Every time we meet, he just hugs me warmly and smiles at me with that smile of his that..."

"That no one else has."

"Exactly, and then he just leaves. He wishes me the best for you and disappears. I've heard him play and everything; he's really good."

"Surely, he's even more exceptional now, but... wait, what? He wishes me the best?"

"Of course, Nicky. He always tells me he hopes you're doing very well."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I did, dear. Many times. But it seemed to pain you when I did, so I stopped. Was it a bad idea?"

"No, no. It's just that by not responding to him, it seemed like... that I didn't care. I should have told you to send him my regards." And now you care? You've been ignoring this reality for years, and you suddenly want to reappear and pretend everything's fine? You have to mend things. Fix them. You can't pretend everything's fine. Sending him regards through your mother wouldn't have been enough anyway.

"Don't worry, dear. I'm not a fool. Many times I sent him your regards too. I figured it would be better in the long run."

Nick couldn't help but feel relieved, although guilty.

"Do you plan to... see him?"

"Not immediately. But yes, of course."

"I'm glad to hear that."

The rest of the journey went by very quickly. In the blink of an eye, they were already parking in front of Sara's house. A new vine was growing up the wall leading to the window of his old room. The yard remained the same, and maybe his mother had had the façade painted, but other than that, everything seemed like a mirage from the past. Countless memories invaded his mind, both good and bad. Beautiful and terrible. But he decided to focus on the good ones for now and let them warm his chest. They brought tears to his eyes.

They walked out of the car and Nick walked around for a few seconds through the halls and the staircase. His mother kept talking, but unfortunately, he was too deep into his own head to continue listening.

When he opened the door to his room, he felt an immense need to close it again. The door slammed shut, shaking the frames with pictures hanging all around the hallway. The air seemed frozen inside, like a time capsule. Breathing deeply and trying to recall the light he felt when he saw his home, he tried to enter again. In the process, he almost dropped his backpack when he confused a pile of clothes with a person, and his memories began to play tricks on him.

In a blink, it was the summer before graduation, and he was screaming at the screen while Mario Kart blared loudly. Charlie, whose face seemed blurred by time, held his hand and pressed his legs against him, trying to prevent him from cheating and losing, as always. They laughed, so much and so loudly that their smiles seemed to spill everywhere.

"Charlie, please, just once, I beg you, just once."

"Never."

"CHAR, PLEASE, I'VE PRACTICED SO MUCH, PLEASE!" The sequence of the race's ending began to play, and Charlie cheered with joy while Nick threw himself on top of him, muffling his screams with a pillow. Laughing, Charlie, with a confidence that he no longer remembered, put his legs on his lap and sat him down on him, giving him kisses on the neck and chest to make up for the bloody defeat. "There's no love or kisses here, only loss, death, and suffering." Charlie laughed at his melodrama after losing once again. Quickly, Nick turned him around, grabbing him by the waist, and kissed him so hard that both lost track of time. His laughter was... something out of this world. Like music. Like hearing a song in the distance that you know but can't remember.

He hadn't laughed like that in the end.

Immediately, he closed the door again, with new tears forming on his face.

A step back, or his heart wouldn't be able to take it.