|| ArjunaPriyā: Flames On The Waves || ✔️

|| Ashtapanchashat: Choosing Herself ||

Krishnaa, Vrikodara and Shrutasena returned to Indraprastha after two months of staying out of the city. They had initially planned the trip for only one month but they had extended it for another month as Krishnaa wanted to give more time to herself to prepare for the situations at the palace. It wasn't avoidance that she was supposed to resort to but it was acceptance that she had to choose this time. To reach that level of mental balance and realize her own power, it took her many gruelling days and sleepless nights. At the end, she had learned an important lesson, that she need not take responsibility for others' actions and try to right their mistakes. To each their own, the kind of life they choose, the kind of path they choose, and Arjuna and Subhadra had chosen their lives and their paths. She shouldn't hang in between because of that and forget the essence of her own.

The only thing that kept tugging at her heart despite her firmness was that though Arjuna hadn't prioritized her when he was at Dvaraka, he realized his mistake when he returned to Indraprastha and he was also ready to make amends. When he had sent Subhadra to her chamber in the guise of a milkmaid, he had shown whose feelings he was prioritizing. She had never known the feeling of insecurity and even if there was the chance of her feeling insecure about his feelings towards her, Arjuna had put an end to that even before it began. There was no doubt in the fact that Arjuna could not love anyone the way he loved her. He loved Subhadra but it was different. It wasn't like how he loved Krishnaa because his love for Krishnaa was about Krishnaa more than himself. But that's not enough in these circumstances for her to soften herself towards him because she had understood that depending solely on emotions could be disastrous.

She had already faced the consequence of trusting her heart blindly which told her that Arjuna would never hurt her in the context of their relationship. She didn't want to be broken in the same way again. She didn't want to commit the same mistake again. If she did, she wouldn't be able to forgive herself. She didn't want to face the same blow again because if that ever happened, it would be her own fault for letting it happen. For the first time, he was wholly responsible but if it repeats, it would be her injudiciousness. She would protect herself against any such risks. It would be better for both of them if they allow things to take their own course. First and foremost, it was important for her to retain all her rights, feel self-assured about her own life, instead of feeling low and keeping herself uninvolved.

She needed some solitude to sort out her feelings but she couldn't stay in solitude forever. Till that moment, everyone had witnessed an aggrieved and devastated wife, but it was time for her to beckon the authoritative and undeterred queen who was passive within her all these days. She was unable to participate in Subhadra's Pumsavsana because she was disturbed with the shock that she had felt at the news when she was least expecting it. But she would herself organize the Simantonayana ritual for Subhadra because she had become capable of it.

The day she had returned to the palace, she planned to prepare the meals for the afternoon all by herself as she had been away from home for so long. She had met everyone at the entrance but Arjuna and Subhadra were missing from that gathering. But they didn't miss the gathering during the meals. After Pritha and Yudhishthira, they were the next to arrive at the dining hall. Arjuna's eyes were immediately stuck to Krishnaa as soon as he entered the hall and though the latter could feel the same, she did not respond to his silent call. Not because she wanted to avoid him but because he was hoping for an intimate meeting of eyes and she wasn't inclined to do that. She couldn't turn vulnerable at this point as it was an extremely important phase for her where she had to support herself.

The family members began to chatter and during those talks, Krishnaa got to know that Arjuna and Subhadra had gone to the temple in the morning as the latter had wished for it. Not that she wasn't expecting them to be present when she had returned, but she had definitely wondered what made them oddly absent when everyone else was there. No matter how much stability she had acquired, the mind has the nature of restlessness. But she was satisfied with the fact that she was at least conscious of how her thoughts worked and she was trying her best to get herself out of all the thoughts that she deemed unnecessary.

As the maids put the golden plates and tumblers of water before each family member, Krishnaa served the food along with Vijayaa who volunteered to
assist her in the task. The five Pandavas were seated together and as Krishnaa started serving them, she came face to face with Arjuna who was sitting in their midst. She froze in her action as she was heedless of the fact that she would have to serve him too and she hadn't even properly noticed where he was seated. She averted her gaze from him and the tension between them spread through the chamber.

None knew how to interfere and solve that conundrum and realizing that there was only one way to cut through that awkward silence, Arjuna reached forward for the ladle. She released it from her grip immediately and waited for him to put the food on his plate. Then she moved away and continued serving Nakula and Sahadeva. She fought back all the self-criticism at her own attitude as it was important for her to not let her guards down when she was supposed to be the most inviolable given the events that were coming up. For the amount of love between them, a little bit of compassion from her side, and all the barriers would collapse and she couldn't afford that risk, not when she had just started healing herself.