This Is England » Freddie Highmore

97.

THE DRIVE back to Freddie's mother's flat was quiet. I wanted it to be that way. I didn't want to talk. I simply couldn't.

Seeing the blood clots accompanied by the blood on my body and clothes ripped me apart like hydrogen peroxide on a freshly open wound. My heart felt heavy, and I can't stop fucking crying. The life I was to bring into this world was gone.

My body felt sore from the accident. Freddie had to call Bertie to have him pick us up, and here I am: in the backseat of the car, not saying a single word to either brother who sat in front of me.

In about a week, I'd be returning to Cambridge. I honestly couldn't wait to go back. Perhaps the school work and mid terms would keep my mind off of today's events. I needed to pack my things when we arrived to Freddie's flat, it was the only way to keep my mind off of things.

..

"You haven't touched your food," Freddie points out at dinner, holding his fork as he takes a bite of a sauteêd carrot. "you need to eat, my love."

Sighing, I give in and take a bite of the roast Bertie had cooked for us. I didn't feel like eating, or talking, or doing much of anything. I just wanted to sleep, wake up and still have my baby inside my belly.

"I'm going to go lay down," I say after I swallow my food. "I'm not feeling good."

Before Freddie could attempt to coax me back into the dinner table, I head upstairs to the guest room where Freddie and I stayed. Where now the only thing present was the full mattress and my already packed suitcase.

I lie down on the bed, curl up in a ball, and for the first time today, I begin to cry. I cry at the loss of Freddie's mother. I cry at the loss of my unborn child. I cry at the fact I have to go to school within the next week. And finally, I cry because I knew that my relationship with Freddie wasn't going to last.

It's not because I didn't love him. I truly did and am proud of the person he was becoming. However, my heart and mind both agreed that, despite all that has happened, I could not continue to be with him. He was the beautiful angel that fell from heaven, capturing me with his good looks and charm; making me go insane by the virtues of addiction and pain.

He was my lover, but he was also my poison.

I bury my head into my pillow, continuing to sob until my body gave out. Until the blanket of slumber overtook me.

Until everything that happened today disappeared.

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